


Thanksgiving Hisoka and Illumi One-shot Competition

by I_fucked_your_mom



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Ace Attorney AU, Assassin - Freeform, Circus, Disguise, Enemies to Lovers, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Illumi, Kurapika - Freeform, M/M, Mean, Sweaters, Treachery, Unresolved Romantic Tension, ahoenevergetscold, barista, blackcoffee, but like lowkey, but like only because they are lawyers, but not too many, buttheyalso, checkoutthatthebathroom, coffeeshopAU, deadcockroacheyes, dont mind, earlymorning, hisoka - Freeform, hisoka is annoying, illumi is tired, itsinterperative, just a few, nothingpromiscuousatall, scandalous, several people die, shortpeople, spittake, strongsexualtension, they all commit crimes, theyhateeachother, tweedcoat, ugly to lovers, ushygushy, weakplot, wellmaybenotreally, would not hold up in a court of law, written by a theatre kid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:42:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27792475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_fucked_your_mom/pseuds/I_fucked_your_mom
Summary: Coffee Yum:Hisoka woke up at the crack of dawn to work a shit-pay job with a co-worker he hated and customers that he hated more.Yet he still managed to look good doing it, which is why he considered himself to be a highly-talented individual.We are on the case (if you know what I mean):From what Illumi had picked up, via the absolute clown in front of him, Hisoka was describing a personal anecdote about his time in clown school. How Hisoka had flunked out of Clown school was a mystery to Illumi, and why he ended up going to law school, much less the prestigious academy Illumi went to, was an even greater one.The Mystery of the Tortoise in the Circus Tent:Their eyes met from opposite sides of the tightrope.The assassin’s impossibly arched eyebrow creeped even higher. He hadn’t expected to see him here. Not that he should have been surprised. The clown did have a tendency to show up when he wasn’t expected, and in a circus tent, auditioning for a spot in the top circus on the entire Yorbian Continent was quite unexpected.Three Hisoka and Illumi One-shots
Relationships: Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck, Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Comments: 20
Kudos: 56





	1. Coffee Yum

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! This work is a competition of three one-shots.  
> One was written by me (I_Fucked_Your_Mom). One is written by my sister (I_Topped_Your_Dad). And the last one is written by our friend (I_Sucked-Off_Your_Grandpa). They are too lazy to make their own archive accounts so all the one-shots will be posted here by me. (Note: all chapter notes are written by the actual writer of that chapter) 
> 
> They are posted in a random order and in the last chapter it will be revealed who wrote each one. If you would also be so kind as to vote which one-shot is your favorite in the comments of the last chapter, that would be great. That chapter will also include the competition criteria, for your perusal.
> 
> The voting will end on Christmas 2020 and then the winner will write a short epilogue for their fic as a thank you.
> 
> And if you want, you can guess who wrote each one, in the comments after every chapter. Was it me (I_Fucked_Your_Mom), my sister (I_Topped_Your_Dad), or my friend (I_Sucked-Off_Your_Grandpa)?
> 
> I hope you enjoy our one-shots!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is a coffee shop AU. I have never written a coffee shop AU before- but I have been to a coffee shop, so naturally I am the best fit for the job. Please enjoy the fic; I hope you laugh. I hope you cry.

Hisoka woke up at the crack of dawn to work a shit-pay job with a co-worker he hated and customers that he hated more.

Yet he still managed to look good doing it, which is why he considered himself to be a highly-talented individual. 

As soon as he arrived at the Local Coffee Shop he allocated just enough resources to make his Ushy-Gushy Pop That Pussy Pinkity-Pink Drink, to which he added three extra pumps of sweetener. He could just tell that people were going to do their best to get on his nerves today.

Within a few minutes, his coworker arrived. Kurapika was short, efficient, and friendly. Hisoka did not like him. They had a mutual disrespect for each other that began the day Hisoka showed up to work in leggings (which were within dress code, and frankly, looked good on him). Kurapika got upset and pointed out that it was technically part of the woman’s dress code. Hisoka pointed out that Kurapika looked like a girl. The rest is history. 

While making his own morning beverage, Kurapika noticed Hisoka’s pink creation, and Hisoka could almost hear him rolling his eyes. Kurapika liked to call him an abomination for drinking, “that vile sugary shit”, which only inspired Hisoka to make it more. He couldn’t wait till Kurapika found out what he had decided to name it. 

Hisoka was startled by the sound of the door opening. Customers hardly ever arrived before 5, but lo and behold, there stood a man just inside the doorway. Not wanting to greet someone so early in the morning, Hisoka decided to give the man a glare. 

Which was when he saw his eyes.

Hisoka suddenly had flashbacks to a roach-killing escapade he had the night before. The eyes Hisoka saw were big, dark, and endlessly vacant. It didn’t help that the rest of his face looked like a blank slate. Hisoka had no idea what to make of this man.

They probably stared at each other for half a minute, Hisoka confused and the other man seemingly without a thought in his head, when the man suddenly turned and sat down at a chair near the entrance. While still puzzled, Hisoka now noticed that the man had long, black hair that looked even harder than his own to maintain, as well as an outfit that showed off an  _ impossibly  _ slim waist. Hisoka had to keep himself from gawking.

Finally deciding to mind his own business, Hisoka went back to setting up the pastry cabinet. Not long after, more customers began to trickle in and Hisoka spent the next couple hours being very busy and very annoyed. 

At around 7:30 there was a lull in foot traffic, which is when Hisoka noticed that the confusing man from earlier was still sitting at his seat near the entrance. It bothered Hisoka that he was so close to having a completely empty shop (save his unrespectable coworker), and it also unnerved him that the man had been simply sitting there and staring out the window for so long. 

“Are you going to buy something?” Hisoka inquired.

The man looked up in surprise, which Hisoka thought was unwarranted considering he was the only customer left there. Or perhaps that was just how his face looked. Hisoka couldn’t tell. 

“I need to buy something?” the man responded in a faint tone.

Hisoka narrowed his eyes. It was Hisoka’s opinion that only an idiot would ask a question like that, and so far he couldn’t tell if this man was messing with him, or just simply not all there. 

“It’s company policy”, Hisoka responded flatly. 

Kurapika, alerted by Hisoka’s rude tone, came over and gave Hisoka a wary glance. 

The man stood, walked over to the counter and fixed on Hisoka with his large dark eyes. 

And then he asked his second stupid question.

“Do you have black coffee?” he said innocently.

Now Hisoka was sure that this man had malicious intent. He was half way convinced that he had come to his place of work with the sole purpose of driving him to the edge. He was about to snap back when Kurapika, sensing his overwhelming irritation, intervened. 

“We do”, he responded politely. “Would you like it plain?”

The man responded positively, and then proceeded to ask for ten espresso shots. Ten.

After the initial shock of the request, Kurapika gave a light chuckle and said, “I guess you don’t like sweet stuff then”.

The man gave a slight nod of his head and responded, “Oh yes, I can’t stand it”.

Completely exasperated, Hisoka turned away to start making the drink, which left the more personable to handle the transaction, which was an arrangement that best suited everybody. 

He filled the paper cup with straight black coffee and brought it over to the espresso pump. Which was right next to the sweetener pump.

And suddenly, HIsoka was blessed with the greatest idea he’d had in a long time. 

While Kurapika was preoccupied with the register, Hisoka quietly switched the places of the sweetener and espresso pumps. Whereas the espresso was usually on the right, the sweetener pump was now there.

An honest mistake, really.

He then proceeded to give ten  _ generous  _ pumps from the container on the right.

Then one more, for extra measure

Hisoka capped the cup and handed it to Kurapika to deliver. The idiot customer was still standing at the register with a blank look on his face. Hisoka briefly wondered if the shock of the sweet drink would cause the stoic customer to even lift an eyebrow. Much to his chagrin, the strange man did not take a sip of his drink while he stood at the counter (which would have more than likely been spat out all over Kurapika), but instead went back to the table by the door. 

Even after he was seated, the customer still made no effort to drink from his cup.

Even after two minutes.

Even after ten.

By then more customers had come and gone, and Hisoka became more and more irritated in each passing moment that his scheme did not play out. He began to wonder if the customer had seen what he did, but he concluded that the man was too clueless to understand or even notice.

But then something caught his attention.

Hisoka was looking up to give his obligatory welcome to a customer- a short, stocky man in a tweed jacket- when he saw the man sitting by the door perk up.

It was only momentary, so fast that Hisoka wondered if he had imagined it, but as the short man ambled towards the counter he saw the man by the window slowly shift his position until he was facing the new customer’s back. Trying not to get distracted by this weird behavior, Hisoka took the order of the short man (who was almost as irritable as he was). 

When the transaction was complete, the short man turned and fumbled away in the same direction as the table by the door. In what Hisoka saw as an effort to look nonchalant, the man seated by the door quickly faced forward again and slowly raised his cup to his lips. Hisoka smiled. He hadn’t anticipated that social pressure would bring about the execution of his clever plan, but he was glad all the same. 

Hisoka watched attentively as the man took his first sip. At the shock of the taste of enough sugar to kill the Lucky Charms leprechaun, the strange man’s already wide eyes grew even wider

And then he 

(very ungracefully)

spat out the drink.

Right onto the stocky man’s tweed jacket.

The roar of outrage that ensued was just too satisfying. 

Hisoka had to turn away in order to stifle a grin. ‘How lucky’, he thought, ‘that I am so patient’. This was even better than him spewing it all over Kurapika. His coworker, of course, had already rushed over to the scene of the accident with a rag and a million apologies, even though it wasn’t his fault. Hisoka briefly wondered if the strange, dim-witted customer would make a complaint about his drink, but when Hisoka glanced around, he was already gone.

  
  


\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- 

  
  


Over the next few weeks, the angry little man in the (now somewhat stained) tweed jacked became a regular at the Local Coffee Shop- much to Hisoka’s surprise. It seemed that not even his unfortunate accident could deter the man, who’s name, Hisoka had come to learn, was James Bustifer, from bustling into the coffee shop every day at around 7:45 to demand his standard caramel macchiato. Hisoka attributed this new fidelity to the fact that the coffee shop on the other side of the square had closed, giving them a recent influx of new customers-- all of which did not tip well.

One early monday morning, while Hisoka was wadding up paper straw wrappers into little balls he planned to throw at Kurapika’s head throughout the day, the front door opened. Seeing as how the sun was nowhere close to being up yet, Hioska looked up to glare at the customer who was about to interrupt his peaceful morning- but what he saw caught him totally by surprise.

It is worth mentioning that Hisoka believed everyone in this dumpy town to be ugly. All, that is, except for himself of course. The people here were generally short and stumpy- even Kurapika, for all his womanly features, was for the most part built like a box. 

The man who walked through the door at that moment was quite the outlier. He was a biker- a helmet under his arm, dark shades, and long platinum blond hair down his back. His tall, lanky figure was impossible to miss, especially since he was wearing a crop top.

Hisoka could not believe what he was seeing. Every day he was able to put himself on a pedestal as the best looking person wherever he went, which is easy to do seeing as how he was constantly in the company of drab simpletons. But this? This would not do. The man walking toward him now was almost… hot.

He decided that verbal abuse would make him feel better.

As the customer approached the counter, Hisoka parked himself behind the register and gave the man an imperious smile. 

“Welcome to Local Coffee Shop” Hisoka sneered. “Oh my” he exclaimed with feigned admiration, “I just  _ adore _ your little shirt”

The customer seemed completely unphased. Resultantly, Hisoka was more annoyed.

With an appreciative gesture towards the man’s midriff, Hisoka fawned again. “I just love the way it shows off your-”

_ Impossibly slim waist. _

_ Just like the spitting customer from before.  _

Having been thrown off track by the sudden memory, Hisoka gave up his charade and plainly asked the man for his order.

“Just black coffee”, answered the man.

The marker Hisoka was using to mark the order on the coffee cup faltered.

_ Just like that idiot spitting customer,  _ he thought again.

His curiosity now piqued, Hisoka decided to pursue his suspicion. 

“And will you be wanting anything in that drink?” Hisoka asked innocently. “Any milk? Creamer?” Hisoka looked directly into the man's shaded eyes. “ _ Sugar _ ?”

There was a brief pause before the man responded.

“No”.

“Not even sugar?” said Hisoka in a disbelieving tone, a sly grin growing across his face.. “What…  _ unique _ taste you have”

“Yes”, the man answered curtley.

Now Hisoka was almost sure that this was the same person, despite the different appearance. The figure, the coffee order, and the simple, concise way that he talked were all very convincing evidence. There was only one more thing Hisoka needed to see before he was convinced.

“Will that be cash or card?”

“Card”, the man responded quietly.

“Receipt?”

“Yes.”

Hisoka smiled. As the receipt printed, he pretended to be puzzled by what he saw.

“I’m sorry” Hisoka addressed the customer again, “is this receipt right? I want to make sure this is what you ordered”

Without removing his shades, the man bent down to peer at the piece of paper. However, since the cafe was dimly lit at this early hour, it was nearly impossible that he could actually read what the receipt said.

“Perhaps if you removed your glasses”, Hiska suggested lightly.

The man paused again, and then with a swiftness that Hisoka almost didn’t catch, reached up and pulled down his shades, ever so slightly.

The movement was quick, but it was enough. Those huge, dark, lifeless eyes were the same, and the man before his was in fact the idiot customer from before. 

HIsoka was proud of himself for figuring it out, but he now wondered why the man felt the need to disguise himself at all. He concluded that the customer was probably too embarrassed by his little accident from last time to show his face again. 

The customer confirmed that the receipt was correct, took it and the drink (which had been made by a somewhat concerned Kurapika), and sat at the same seat by the window as before. While it did make Hisoka feel better to know that the man was more or less a blubbering idiot, this did not change the fact that he was undeniably hot. It would help even more if the man would just leave and let Hisoka be gorgeous in peace.

But no such luck.

Over the next few hours, the idiot customer continued to sit very still as hoards of people flowed in and out of the cafe. Despite his best efforts to ignore him, Hisoka found himself glancing at the attractive, lanky figure more often than he would like to admit. 

Which is why he noticed when he moved.

Hisoka was just finishing taking the order of a very loud woman with two screaming children when he saw out of the corner of his eye a very discrete series of events take place.

At 7:45, the short-tempered James Bustifer in his tweed coat walked hurriedly through the front door of the cafe. Just after he crossed the threshold, he passed the table where the idiot customer sat, and the idiot customer- so quickly that Hisoka thought he imagined it- reached out his hand and suck something to the back of James’ Bustifer’s coat.

Hisoka was so puzzled by what he saw that he almost overcharged the obnoxious woman he was serving. By the time she left and James Bustifer stepped up to the counter, he already had a plan in mind.

He was going to do whatever it took to get that man’s hot ass out of his cafe.

James bustifer was already moving to swipe his card when Hisoka stopped him.

“I’m sorry sir, but I noticed something shining on the back of your coat. Perhaps a stitch or button out of place?”

James Bustifer look partly confused and mostly annoyed, but he took off his coat anyway to inspect. Sure enough, a long needle had been stuck to his coat on the right lapel.

“weird” Bustifer grunted. He swiveled his head, looking for a trashcan, when Hisoka intervened again.

“Here sir, I’ll get rid of that for you” he offered in a smooth tone. Bustifer obliged, handing him the needle and then putting back on his coat. Out of the corner of his eye, Hisoka saw that the idiot customer was still sitting still as ever, but Hisoka imagined that he was annoyed behind those dark shades.

Once Bustifer completed his transaction, Hisoka tucked the needle into his apron pocket. He then looked up to check the status of the idiot customer, but just as he expected, his seat was already empty.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hisoka kept the needle in his apron pocket, and spent many of the next few early mornings at the cafe twirling the long device between his fingers. He wasn’t quite sure whether he should write the strange, attractive man off as just a moron, or if he actually had a motive behind his eccentric behavior. Whatever it was, Hisoka was almost certain that it had to do with his grumpy regular, James Bustifer. The eccentric customer never made a move until the man bustled in for his morning coffee, and on top of that he had always taken special care to remain discrete and nonchalant- even going as far as to put on a disguise.

It was almost like he was trying to spy on him.

That still didn’t explain the needle, though. Perhaps he was interested in tailoring his coat? 

Hisoka was still pondering this one morning when kurapika came up and kicked the back of his right knee, which happened to be the leg that Hisoka was leaning on, causing him to lose his balance. Hisoka was about to curse him out with a full arsenal of colorful language, but Kurapika cut him off.

“Someone’s loitering outside” he stated bluntly “out by the dumpsters”. There was a long pause after that, but no further explanation followed.

“And what” Hisoka responded in an irritated tone, “am I supposed to do about that?”

Kurapika sighed. “Just go tell them to leave.”

“Why can’t you do that?” Hisoka asked

“Because you will be more convincing” Kurapika said, rolling his eyes and walking away. 

Hisoka considered it for a moment, and finally decided to comply. He did enjoy making other people angry, and whatever poor idiot was hanging around their trash at five in the morning was about to be his next victim.

Deciding to take a head-on approach, Hisoka flung open the back door and shouted, “HEY”

Instead of jumping, or even looking startled, the figure by the dumpster only raised their head, showing their pale face, framed with long black hair, and…

...large, dark eyes.

Hisoka wanted to be surprised, or even a bit disbelieving, but in reality he had almost expected this. Practically nothing out of the ordinary ever occurred at the Local Coffee Shop at 6th and Main, that was until  _ he _ showed up. _ Of course _ it was him.

Hisoka put on a sneer, which he was surprised to see reflected on the strange man’s own face. What did he have to be irritated about? He was the one trespassing at ungodly hours of the morning. Hisoka started toward the man at a dull pace.

“Are you perhaps” Hisoka asked nonchalantly, “here to see my dear friend, Mr. Bustifer?”

At this, the previously poised man shifted, but still said no word. Hisoka smiled, sensing he had finally struck a nerve.

Checking his nails, Hisoka assumed his most annoying tone. 

“I’m afraid you’re a tad early, but then again” he looked straight into the man’s dead cockroach eyes, “you always are”.

The man squitend. Finally, after a tense pause, he responded, “do you work here every day?”

Taken aback, Hisoka replied affirmitavely. 

“Damn”.

The man pulled out what looked like a phone and began typing. 

Now that really threw Hisoka off. He had come out here to chew out the poor soul that was loitering by their trash, not to be brushed off by some pretentious idiot who was too interested in his work schedule. 

With a deep sigh of frustration, Hisoka began. “ _ You _ are the one hanging out by  _ my  _ dumpster. If anyone should be asking questions here, it’s me!” He huffed again. “I don’t know what funny game you’re playing with that little man and his god-awful coat, but please, for the love of everything, can you do it somewhere else?! And you can  _ start _ with  _ leaving my dumpster _ !” Hisoka enunciated his last words very clearly so that it might get through the man’s thick skull.

The man looked up with a sneer. “Impossible”, he said quietly, “that would set me back at least two weeks”

Flabbergasted, Hisoka threw up his hands and exclaimed, “TWO WEEKS FOR WHAT!?”

Instead of answering, the strange man only gave Hisoka a long, contemplative look. Hisoka could feel his pulse in his ears at this point. For just a moment, he realised that he was getting irrationally angry, but there was just something about this man that got under his skin. It may or may not have had to do with the fact that he was wearing a crop top again.

Finally, the man spoke.”You work here everyday, all day?”

Hisoka let out the breath he had been holding with a puff of hot air and responded with gritted teeth. “Until two”.

“How would you feel about making a little extra money?”

Hisoka blinked. Was the man selling drugs or something?

Not one to be above commiting crimes, Hisoka asked, “how much is a little?”

The strange man contemplated for a moment. “Fifteen thousand dollars”.

Hisoka’s eyes bugged out of his head. The man  _ had _ to be selling drugs.

After the initial shock wore off Hisoka inquired, “what exactly is it that you are doing?”

The man shifted his weight and thought for a moment before responding. “What I’m going to do is not of any importance to you. I just need you to do one simple task so that I can achieve my goal.”

While Hisoka did not like being in the dark, he  _ did _ like the sound of fifteen thousand entering his bank account. “What do I have to do?”

“Nothing, for today” The man said, “but meet me back here after you get off, then I’ll give you instructions.”

While Hisoka did not appreciate his condescending words, He nodded in agreement. 

“See you then” the man said, and then he proceeded to  _ hoist himself over the back fence _ .

Yet again stunned, although not quite surprised, at the eccentric behavior, Hisoka briefly wondered if he should trust someone who acted like a wannabe Batman. However, with the chance at fifteen thousand within reach, and seemingly no downsides, Hisoka decided he could overlook the man’s behavior.

When he re-entered the cafe, Kurapika gave him a worried glance. 

“What happened? I heard someone yell”

“Oh nothing”, Hisoka responded lightly. “He’s gone now”

Kurapika gave him a short glare, but quickly gave up hostility. 

“I just hope they don’t come back” he muttered as he walked off toward his next task.

_ Says you _ , Hisoka thought.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was around noon when Hisoka realised how much of an idiot he was. The reoccurring stranger was clearly not all there, so why was Hisoka so quick to trust him? What kind of person has that much money to give out on a whim? He spent the next two hours doing so much thinking that it gave him a staunch headache. As his shift drew to a close, he decided to take the risk. He had only committed so much as to meet the guy and get more details on his deranged scheme. 

_ ‘The guy’, I should really learn his name _ , Hisoka thought.  _ Not that I plan on using it much _ .

Hisoka took off his apron, and was wadding it up when something sharp poked his finger, drawing blood. Hisoka cursed and dropped the cloth, realising that he had forgotten about the needle tucked into the pocket. After carefully prodding around, he extracted the long device. He started toward the trash can, but at the last second, instead stuck the needle into the thick fibers on the chest of his sweater. Without taking time to contemplate it, he exited out the back door to meet his appointment. 

He was standing there, as promised, in all his tall and gorgeous glory by the dumpster- wearing a dark purple sweater not quite unlike Hisoka’s. As Hisoka neared him, the man extended a graceful arm.

“Illumi Zoldyk”, he introduced himself. “We should know each other's names if we are to be working together, don’t you think?”

Hisoka extended his own arm a bit more gingerly, “I suppose so”, he muttered as he grasped the other’s cold hand. “I’m Hisoka.”

Seemingly unimpressed, Illumi dropped his arm and wiped his hands on his pants. “Would you like to know what your job will be?”

Hisoka nodded, shoving his own hand into his pockets. The man-  _ Illumi _ \- seemed normal enough now, but something about him still made him uneasy. 

“All you need to do”, Illumi explained, “is stall James Bustifer as he orders his daily coffee. I don’t really care what you do, as long as you give me enough time- about 30 seconds. I just need him to be standing somewhat still and for you to  _ not _ get in my way this time”, Illumi squinted his large, dark eyes and took on an accusatory tone. “Like you have every other time”.

Hisoka’s brain whirred. That was it? Fifteen thousand, just to make Bustifer stall for a few moments? Furthermore, Hisoka knew that he had done his best to make the eccentric man’s experience at the cafe a living hell, but what did Illlumi mean by he got in his way- his way of what?

Since Hisoka hadn’t said anything for a few moments, Illumi crossed his arms and asked, “Do you understand? Or was that too much. Should I use simpler words?”

The blatant condescension snapped Hisoka back into focus. “ _ Yes _ , I understand”, he snapped. “I just have more than a few questions”.

“That’s a pity”, Illumi replied.

Deciding to ignore that last comment, Hisoka asked, “what, exactly, is your end goal here? What’s so important about making Bustifer stall? And  _ why _ can your little scheme only play out in my cafe?”

Illumi sighed and uncrossed his arms, placing them on his hips instead. “You really want to know?”

“ _ YES _ ”

“Alright”, Illumi shrugged, “you asked for it. That man, James Bustifer, which is not his real name by the way, just so happens to be a very powerful crime lord.”

Hisoka blinked, hard.

“I know” Illumi said, seeing Hisoka’s face, “you wouldn’t expect it, given that he chooses to wear  _ that _ every day. I think it probably has sentimental value.” 

Illumi gave a put-upon sigh. ‘Anyways, ‘James Bustifer’ has many residences, as you would expect, and one of them is in this…  _ quaint  _ little town. I can’t imagine why. The problem is I am unable to locate his residence, and unfortunately, the only place he frequents is this cafe.”

Hisoka decided to digest this information in pieces. 

“So you’re telling me”, he asked the tall man before him, “that Bustifer is a crime lord? Like a mob boss? And he lives  _ here _ ?!”

“Yes”, Illumi blinked, “didn’t I already say that?”

Still ignoring the unhelpful commentary, Hisoka continued. “And you have to find him? To track him down?” Hisoka gasped with a sudden realization, “are  _ you _ also a crime lord? Or some cronie?”

Illumi wrinkled his nose. “No, of course not” he sneered. 

“Then why” Hisoka prodded, “why do you have to find him?”

Illumi looked him in the eye and stated, very plainly, “to kill him, of course. I’m an assassin.”

Now it was Hisoka’s turn to cross his arms. This story was getting to be too much.

“An assassin” he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Really”.

Illumi raised his arched brows. “Oh, you don’t believe me?”

“Forgive me if I’m skeptical”

Illumi sighed. “See for yourself” he said, holding out a digital screen so Hisoka could read.

‘TARGET: DON WITHERMAN

ALIAS: JAMES BUSTIFER

AGE: 52

HEIGHT: 4’ 11”

REWARD: $100,000,000, UPON ANNOUNCED DEAD’

Sure enough, a picture of Hisoka’s scraggly customer was also on the screen. He was even wearing the same tweed jacket.

Hisoka’s stomach dropped as he put the pieces together. If James Bustifer was a highly wanted man with deep connections…

“Wait,” Hisoka said, taking a step back. “If this man is so wanted, then why hasn’t he been killed yet? Or arrested?”

Illumi looked puzzled. “Probably because of his extensive security” he answered. “He’s let his guard down out here though. His mistake.”

Hisoka took a few more steps back. “Extensive security? That means they’re going to find out who killed him! Then _ I’ll _ be wanted!”

“Oh please” Illumi scoffed, “I’m not an idiot.”

_ OH REALLY _ , Hisoka thought,  _ COULD’VE FOOLED ME. _

Hisoka cleared his throat. “You know, after some careful consideration, I’ve decided to decline your _ generous _ offer.” He took a few more steps back toward the door. “I wish you all the luck in the world, really, I hope the man dies and all.”

Illumi gave a light chuckle. “Oh, you want out? I’m sorry Hisoka, but you know too much now. I’m afraid I can’t let you go.”

Hisoka was about to turn and make a run for it when Illumi lunged forward and grabbed a fistfull of Hisoka’s sweater. But instead of finishing his violent act, Illumi paused and looked down at his hand, perplexed. Hisoka looked down too, and saw a thin trickle of blood flowing out of Ilumi’s clenched fingers.

_ The needle _ , Hisoka thought.

Seeing this as his chance, Hisoka regained composure just long enough to place what he thought was a very elegant upper cut squarely on Illumi’s chin. Having successfully shaken him off, Hisoka made a mad dash for the back door of the cafe.

But he only made it a couple of steps.

Mid-stride, Hisoka felt a sharp pang in the back of his neck. Before he could even question what had happened, he felt his limbs grow heavy, and his brain get fuzzy.

He didn’t even feel the impact of his body hitting the asphalt; he had already completely blacked out.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Understandably, Hisoka was late to work the next day. He had woken up to the sound of a garbage truck about to back over him late last night, and needless to say, he hadn’t gotten much sleep since.

“Nice of you to show up” Kurapika called over his shoulder. He was making his own customary morning drink- a simple blonde espresso, which hisoka found to be criminally boring. He didn’t even bother answering his disreputable coworker. He felt like he had a hangover, complete with a blistering headache and nausea so bad that he didn’t even think he could stomach his Ushy-Gushy Pop That Pussy Pinkity-Pink Drink, which was a crime in and of itself. 

He took a couple of pills and managed to make it through the next few hours okay. Kurapika fielded most of the customers that morning, sensing that Hisoka was liable to snap, and Hisoka was content to just prepare drinks. 

That was, until 7:45.

“Good morning, Mr. Bustifer” Hisoka heard Kurapika call out. Stiffening, Hisoka slowly turned his head toward the front door. Sure enough, the stout man was rushing through the door, ugly tweed coat and all.

A sense of dread built up in the pit of Hisoka’s stomach. He wasn’t sure where, but Illumi was probably somewhere in the cafe, waiting in disguise. 

Hisoka only had a few moments to make a decision, but honestly, when it came to him, was there really any choice?

“Allow me” he said, brushing a surprised Kurapika aside. Bustifer, who hadn’t noticed the change in attendant at all, was still rattling off his regular order. Hisoka went through the regular motions of marking up the man’s cup- yet he was also keenly aware of a tall, lanky figure in dark shades lining up directly behind Bustifer. Hisoka saw him slowly raise his arm.

“Excuse me sir”, Hisoka called out, with perfect nonchalance, to the assassin, “have you already been helped?”

The man froze and looked up at Hisoka. Hisoka would have loved to see the raw expression in his eyes, but unfortunately, they were still shaded. 

Presuming an uncharacteristically polite tone, Hisoka gestured to the right of the counter. “You can wait right there sir, I will be with you in a moment.” 

Bustifer, having swiped his card earlier, cleared his throat loudly. At this point, he was only waiting on a receipt. 

Which Hisoka handed to him without hesitation.

As Bustifer walked away, Hisoka felt a warm sensation spreading out from the base of his neck. He looked back at the disguised Illumi, still expressionless, but as the staring continued, the sensation became uncomfortable. 

And then it was painful. 

Hisoka reached up to touch the back of his neck, but couldn’t find the source of the pain. 

He scowled at Illumi. Still void of expression, the tall man only said, “There has been a malfunction in the bathroom. Would you please attend to it?”

Hisoka knew that the strange request was a load of bull, but the sharp pain in his neck was only growing, so he obliged. 

As soon as he entered the one-stall bathroom, the door was shut behind him.

“Well that doesn’t make me feel safe”, Hisoka peered up at the furious man before him with his most angelic expression.

Unfortunately, this did nothing to disperse the tension.

Illumi walked slowly toward him, hostility radiating off his slender figure in waves.

“I must have overestimated your intelligence” he hissed. “But I’m afraid I can no longer cater my instructions to you simpleton brain” He was so close now that Hisoka had backed all the way up against the tiled wall. “I will just have to resort to… alternative tactics.”

HIsoka could now see his own face reflected in the other’s large, very murderous, eyes.

Hisoka cleared his throat. “You seem tense.”

Illumi grabbed him by the shirt, yet again, pinning him against the wall..

“I am also, maybe, picking up on some light animosity”, Hisoka continued. 

The hateful energy surrounding the two was enough to make Hisoka’s ears buzz. While he probably should have been fearing for his life at the moment, he wasn’t; because Hisoka had taken physics, and even though he had failed that class pitifully, he did know one thing: all that energy had to go somewhere. 

Hisoka leaned forward as best he could while still pressed up against the wall and said, very quietly, next to Illumi’s ear-

“I can help you with that.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

About ten minutes later, a very disheveled Hisoka exited the bathroom. Seemingly oblivious to the world, he walked over to the counter in a daze. 

That was until Kurapika spotted him.

“WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?” His short coworker exclaimed. “Did you not hear the sirens? I can’t handle all of this by myself!” 

Kurapika then paused his tirade, confused. “And why is your shirt inside out?!”

Hisoka, now just as confused, looked around at the cafe. It was fairly quiet, with the usual chatter from the various seated customers now replaced with hushed whispers. More importantly, the paramedics were parked outside, flashing lights and all. 

At this point, Illumi had also made his way out of the bathroom, although with a bit more composure than Hisoka had managed. After a short glance, they both drew closer to the door to see what was going on. 

Right outside the front entrance of The Local Coffee Shop, an ambulance was parked on the curb, with a handful of paramedics rushing around a figure on a stretcher.

One of them was holding an ugly, slightly stained, tweed coat. 

As Hisoka watched, one of the paramedics rolled out a black tarp over James Bustifer’s body.

“He just fell over,” a distraught Kurapika said, suddenly appearing beside Hisoka. “I think he had a heart attack, I called 911 as soon as I saw but-” Kurapika took in a shaky breath,

“I think he’s already dead.”

Shocked, Hisoka looked over at Illumi, only to see his own expression reflected in the assassin’s pale face. 

_ So this  _ wasn’t _ Illumi’s doing _ , Hisoka thought. _ Huh. _

Immediately bored with the spectacle, Hisoka began backing away from his distressed coworker. “I am very sad to hear this, truly”, Hisoka said. “However there is an issue with our bathroom that must be tended to immediately, I’m sure you understand.” He grabbed Illumi’s arm and rushed them back in the direction they came from.

“Wait!-” Kurapika called, but it was too late.

The bathroom door had already been locked shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that I have provided wholesome, quality entertainment that lives up to your standards. Thank you for your time.


	2. We are on the case (if you know what I mean)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hisoka and Illumi are on the case (if you know what I mean)  
> Hisoka and Illumi lawyers au!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone,  
> I'm just going to put it out there. I am a theatre kid and everything I know about lawyers comes from 2 seasons of the ace attorney show, so if things are horribly inaccurate to life oops. I know they probably break a few laws, but just bear with me.

Illumi was tired. 

It would not be an exaggeration to say that Illumi was always tired, but today he was especially tired because of a particular somebody.

That said somebody was currently sitting in his office, talking his ear off about something that was definitely NOT about the case and wearing the most garish, yet impeccably tailored, bubblegum pink suit known to man. Illumi was definitely getting a headache from just looking at it, which is why he opted instead to look at the case files in front of him and _ at least  _ pretend he was doing his work. 

From what he had picked up, via the absolute clown in front of him, Hisoka was describing a personal anecdote about his time in clown school. The story somehow included a goat, a flamethrower (apparently homemade), a rubber band, and no doubt a party full of traumatized children. How Hisoka had flunked out of Clown school was a mystery to Illumi, and why he ended up going to law school, much less the prestigious academy Illumi went to, was an even greater one. He honestly never expected him to even graduate; his cocky attitude, vulgar fashion sense, and lack of any ethical code to speak of had made him universally hated by everyone.

If that had been it, though, it wouldn’t have bothered Illumi that much, he would have just lumped him in with all the wannabe law students that would drop out in the second semester. No, the thing that bothered Illumi was that he was good, like really good. He never seemed to study but got great grades, only ever walked into class with a packet of gum and slept through most of the lectures, but ended up salutatorian in their graduating class (second only to Illumi of course), and even got hired by the same prestigious law firm right out of college. He never seemed to even look at cases before going to court and showed up to work hungover most days- yet he had never lost a case. All in all, he was a pretty damn good defense attorney, and THAT'S what made Illumi mad. 

On top of all that was the fact that he never seemed to be free of the clown. Even now, Hisoka had been hired to work on the same case as Illumi, which is why he is currently in Illumi’s office, and Illumi was suffering through another session of “supposed” work. Really, why did the client need both of them? Illumi was the top lawyer in the area, and Hisoka was... ok i guess. Really, the 2 of them for just one case was excessive- and to dfend him for the murder of a buisness partner (that he definitely did, but they were getting paid to say the opposite, so whatever) that was too easy. Illumi took another sip of his coffee, black with 10 espresso shots.

“You know that stuff's going to kill you,” Hisoka said. 

Choosing to ignore his comment, Illumi looked at Hisoka’s own drink. It was coffee, he thought, but it had so much creamer it almost looked white, and might have had a slight pink tint to it. Illumi couldn't be sure if it did or the frankly garish color of Hisoka’s suit was burned into his retinas. Illumi closed his eyes and silently reminded himself why killing Hisoka would be a bad idea- unfortunately the only downside he could think of was that he might get blood on his suit and would have to get it dry cleaned. 

Illumi suddenly stood up. “I'm leaving,” he said as he started collecting his papers.

“Oh really,” Hisoka purred (which only served to make Illumi even more annoyed, I mean seriously how does a person even do that) “we barely got any work done. Anyway want to get some sausage? I know a great place.” He said adding a wink at the end to further infuriate Illumi. Hisoka had been asking that question since their first project in law school and to date Illumi had never taken him up on it and he never would. Again choosing to ignore the infuriating man’s comments, he continued. 

“I have written up a detailed case summary.. you can choose to read it or not before our next meeting. Just to be clear we are blaming it all on the secretary who was there at the time of the murder.” And before the clown could say anything, he stormed out of the office.

\---

They were scheduled to go to the morgue the next day because of course they were. Illumi was sitting in his office completing some work for the case when checked the time. 2:10pm. He was 10 minutes late, but that was to be expected. He didn’t expect him to show up for about another 5 minutes. He sighed again as he stood up and began to collect his things. At exactly 2:15 Hisoka’s car rolled up right in front of his building where- A, it was decidedly not supposed to be parked, and B, he promptly decided to rev his car as loudly as possible probably with the express purpose of letting the entire block know he was there. There was a knock at Illumi’s door. 

“Excuse me sir, your 2 o’clock Mr. Morrow is here.” His secretary, Canary, said peering into his office.

“I've heard,” Ilumi said, grabbing his bag and swiftly walking towards the exit. Canary hurried to walk alongside him.

“Don’t forget sir you have to get the Miller case file by next week, and have to meet with your next client tomorrow. She is all torn up about her husbands murder so be sure to be very sympathetic, maybe offer her a cookie. Oh and Illumi” She smirked, “try not to stay out too long with Mr. Morrow, you know you have a tendency to do that.”

“I do not” Illumi balked. Canary fixed him with a steady glare.

“I don’t, and I don't know what you are implying. He just happens to get side tracked a lot and I-.”

“Sure, sir.” A loud clown horn interrupted their conversation (why Hisoka changed his normal car horn to a clown horn was a mystery to Illumi). 

Hisoka called out from his bubblegum pink convertible. “Hey babe,” 

If looks could kill, Hisoka would have been dead. Hisoka, though, just kept smiling jovially at Illumi. 

“Call me babe 1 more time and no one will ever solve your murder.” Illumi huffed as he got into the car. 

Hisoka just chucked. “Always the charmer. Hey Canary, how's it going” He said waving at her.

“Hi Mr. Morrow, I'm well. Have fun at the morgue.” 

Hisoka laughed again. “Will do.”

“Can we just go” Illumi huffed again, annoyed that they were now 8 minutes late. “We have a body to see and a mortician to investigate.” 

“Bye Illumi, have fun with your boyfriend.” Canary chuckled just as Hisoka decided to tear down the street, all that was left was a faint scream of disgust heard over the car accelerator. 

\---

The morgue was just about what you would expect. It was very cold, with stark white lights that cast long shadows, and a disinfectant smell that seemed to follow everyone who went in. It was also supposed to be  _ quiet _ , but that was apparently not the case today as Leorio's little boyfriend- and the acting prosecutor in the case- Kurapika, was also there. Kurapika and Illumi were exact opposites. Kurapika was annoyingly moral, upright, kind, and just sooo willing to help those who needed him. He even went so far as to lower his price for those who couldn't pay. Disgusting. It almost made Illumi gag. 

That didn’t matter though as they came here for 2 reasons: 1-to get the updated autopsy report and 2- to make sure Kurapika DIDN'T get the updated autopsy report. The evidence was pretty implicating and it would be way easier to argue the case if the prosecution did not have that evidence. And if that was a little cutthroat, well don't ask how Illumi became the best Defense Attorney ever only 6 years after law school. 

Illumi pulled his co-defense aside before they reached the room that Leorio and Kurapika were in. 

“Ok, as far as I know there are only 2 reports printed for the defense and the prosecution. Best case scenario we get them to give both to us, or we can just take them when no one is looking. Any preference?” Hisoka seemed to ponder for a moment.

“My Dear Illumi-”

“Don't call me that”

Hisoka cleared his throat, “As I was saying, I'm sure we can get them easily. All you have to do is get both copies from Leorio, and  _ I _ will take care of the rest.” Illumi pondered this for a second. Of course he didn't know what the plan was, exactly, so he couldn’t say if it would work or not, but then again it was Hisoka’s plan, and his hair brained schemes usually worked. Even if it didn’t work, Illumi would then be able to give Hisoka shit about it for a long time. He conceded. 

Hisoka pushed open the autopsy door with as much flair as would be expected from the clown.

“Hello my dear friends! Leorio. Kurapika” Hisoka called loudly into the room, grinning widely.

The occupants in the room all visibly cringed, although Kurapika quickly put on a pleasant face in order to at least attempt to look pleased to see them. Leorio, it seemed, did not have enough tact to do so. After a long (awkward) beat Kurapika decided to speak.

“Hisoka its uh… great to see you.” Another beat. “I haven't seen you since that extortion case a while back.”    
  


“Ahh yes I remember that case, and what a case it was.” He sighed nostalgically, “ A begrudged lover extorting her cheating partner out of his business leaving him poor and destitute. And then, we can't forget the best part; In a jealous rage she ends up murdering him and dumping his body in a lake only for it to freeze over and the body not to be discovered until the snow melts- making way for the beauty of spring. ” Hisoka dramatically wiped a tear from his eye. His dramatic recitation of the case as everyone looked on in apparent horror. Kurapika pulled awkwardly at his collar.

“Yeah, it was certainly.. Interesting…”

“Anyway Kurapika, I see you’re the acting prosecutor in my current case.” Hisoka mentioned, laying the emotion on THICK, “Would you mind if I asked you about some  _ case  _ details,”  his gaze flickered to leorio for a moment. " Alone if you don't mind- don't want to get the mortician involved with the case details, impartial and all that.” He said with a devilish grin on his face. Leorio decided to pipe up here.

“You know, I really don't mind…”

Hisoka chucked again. “No, I wouldn’t want to burden you with case details. Also, I'm sure Illumi needs to ask you some questions.” Hisoka shot a glance at Illumi, and he took this as part of the plan. He nodded to Leorio. 

“Uh I suppose so, but I am really busy and need to get back to the office” Kurapika said as he chuckled nervously.

“Of Course, of course I just have a few small questions.” Hisoka said as he put his hand on Kurapika’s lower back and he led him out the room making small talk as they left, much to the chagrin of Kurapika himself. 

\---

Illumi was left in the room with a visibly uncomfortable Leorio. It could have been because they also didn't talk all that much outside of work. Most of their conversations consisted of thinly veiled threats of physical or financial demise. It could have been that Leorio was a commoner (and an uncouth one at that) that was way below someone of Illumi’s status, and Illumi did not hesitate to let him know. Or maybe it was because they just didn't have that much in common. Really either was possible. 

Leorio coughed stiffly.“So you had a question.” 

Illumi snapped out of his thoughts.“Oh I suppose I did. I just wanted to get the updated case file.” 

Leorio scoffed.“I'm surprised you didn't send one of your lackeys. You didn’t have to come all this way.” 

‘So rude ' Illumi thought ‘All I'm trying to do is sabotage the trial by taking both case files and ensuring that the prosecution won't be able to prepare thus giving them an advantage.’ 

“Well, you know, Hisoka insisted on coming.” Illumi actually said.

“Dragged by your boyfriend, I get it’ Leorio said as he started ruffling through the filing cabinet looking for the case file. “Kurapika drags me all over the city, says it makes me cultured or something. The things we do for love, huh.” Leorio responded with this dopey grin on his face. 

Illumi found it… Nauseating. 

“Wait, we are NOT dating.” Illumi gawked the fact that he would imply that he, a respected defense attorney from the prestigious Zoldyck family, would ever lower himself to be in a relationship and much less kis- (illumi couldn't even think it) (and if he was blushing, that was no ones business but his own). “Why would I ever be in a relationship with that nasty, ugly suit wearing, commoner-”

“Damn ok, I just thought you were. My bad. I just assumed because... You know what, nevermind” He pulled the file out of the cabinet, “Here's the file you wanted.” 

Illumi muttered a quick thanks as he grabbed the file and made a swift exit. Just as he was trying very hard to leave the building as quickly as possible, who would he run into but Kurapika, back from his apparent talk with Hisoka.

“Hey Illumi” Kurapika called to him“I just gave Hisoka your copy of the file report. You two make a great team.”

Illumi whipped around on Kurapika, practically crowding him against the wall. His impossibly long dark hair looking like it was floating menacingly around him, blocking out the stark morgue lights. “We are NOT dating.” He muttered menacingly. “Whoever said we were is a liar, and I am going to  _ kill _ them”

Kurapika backed away until his back hit the wall. “Uh no one said anything about that, I just gave him a file. I’m… going to leave now. Uh, see you in court.” and with that he slowly slipped to the side and backed into the autopsy room where Leorio was. 

Illumi slowly took a breath in and out. 

He was a Zolydyck for god's sake, he should have more self control than this. Why was the idea of dating Hisoka so bad anyway? He was kinda strong-ish, it was obvious he worked out , and he was a kinda good lawyer.

No this was not what he wanted to be thinking about he had an autopsy report to steal and a case to win. He decided the best course of action was to put all the Hisoka (shudder) thoughts in a box and then crush that box and never think of it again. Ok.

\---

Ilumi was pissed at Hisoka. Sitting in the passenger seat of Hisoka bubblegum pink convertible, his killing intent was practically tangible. Hisoka, sensing Illumi's bad mood, had decided to keep his mouth shut for once, rather than regale Illumi with another tale from his time at clown school. 

This was all Hisoka"s fault. People thought that they were dating, and that was definitely all his fault (it wasn’t Illumi’s at all). If Hisoka wasn't around him so much, and didn’t call him such positively atrocious pet names like ~babe~ and honey or whatever object he decided to call Ilumi that day, this would never have happened. On top of that, he wasn't even creative, or at least eloquent, with his pet names. If Illumi was, hypothetically, dating Hisoka (and that was a big IF) he wouldn't use such a conventional name as babe. He would wax poetry about him, how the sun and moon combined could not hold a candle to his beauty. How all the stars in the sky could not tear his attention away from his lover. Or at least call him baby I mean have some tact. 

It was at this point that Hisoka decided to risk life and limb to say something, “Something bothering you dear Illumi?”

Illumi pushed out a, “no,” through gritted teeth. Deciding to change the subject he asked about the file.

“Yup,” Hisoka chriped, “I got the file from Kurapika, and I assume you got yours from Leorio, so we should have both copies.” 

Illumi let out a soft grunt of acknowledgement. Hisoka, it seemed, was not done yet though. “Hey Illumi, want to get some sausage? I know a great place nearby.”

Illumi shot him his famous death glares that would have sent a lesser man running in fear, but only got an amused chuckle from Hisoka. “I'll take that as a no I guess,” he said as he dropped Illumi off in front of his office. “See you later, dear Illumi,” and before Illumi could say ‘don't call me dear’ he sped off leaving only a cloud of dust and a faint smell of bubblegum in his wake. 

\---

The day of the trial was finally here and Illumi was almost excited. They (mostly Illumi, let's be honest) had spent the last few weeks preparing an air tight defense for their client, and them having the only updated autopsy reports was really just the icing on the cake. Illumi’s only problem was that, to get to the courtroom, he had agreed to have Hisoka drive him. That in itself was not unusual- whenever they had to go places they usually did take Hisoka’s ugly car, much to Illumi’s dismay, but he didn’t care for driving that much, so when Hisoka offered, he usually took him up on it. 

No, the problem was that Illumi could not get the comments about him and Hisoka dating out of his head, and it was really grating on his nerves. His only relief was that after today he did not intend to see Hisoka again for a good long while. Some may call avoiding the clown childish or immature. Really it was just good business sense. He got less work done around Hisoka and his incessant chatter, and without Hisoka around, he would think about Hisoka less (not that he was thinking about him or anything), and Illumi could be more focused on his cases and clients. Maybe he would go to the Zoldyck manor for a bit and see Miluki and Kalluto. He barely had time to visit after graduating law school, and a vacation seemed like just the thing. Killua was still off galavanting, doing who knows what with that commoner boy, but at this point it couldn't be helped. Yeah, that sounded nice, and would give him some time away from the (would-be) clown. 

Hisoka’s car speeding up pulled him out of his thoughts of a vacation and back to where he was, standing outside his building, waiting to get picked up. ‘Just one more day,’ Illumi thought as he slipped into Hisoka’s car. ‘Just one more day.’ 

\---

Illumi had to say he was pleased; the case had gone very well. Hisoka had argued the majority of the case (no need to waste Illumi’s talents on such a paltry affair), and their defense was completely airtight, even though it was built on a foundation of lies. Kurapika had tried his best, and had honestly done very well. Against any lesser lawyer he surely would have won, but Hisoka and Illumi working together were unstoppable. They probably didn't even need the updated autopsy report, but it was just the perfect nail in the coffin for Kurapika’s argument. Even Illumi had to admit it was satisfying seeing the last remnants of hope leaving Kurapika’s eyes. The jury had overwhelmingly sided with them and the case was by all accounts closed, and the day wasn't even over. 

Illumi had at least the next few hours to himself. Maybe he would stop by his favorite french patisserie and pick up some croissants as a victory desert, or maybe he could stop by his Grandpa’s favorite restaurant where they had a private box, it did have 2 Michelin stars, but he didn’t know if he was in the mood for that. 

He was still pondering what to do with the rest of the day when he heard a voice right next to his ear. “Illumi~” And in that moment if it was not for Illumi's unbelievable reflexes and self-restraint Hisoka’s self proclaimed angelic face would have been marred by quite an ugly black eye. 

Hisoka just laughed it off. “Someone’s feisty, aren't they.” 

Illumi just sighed at him. “What do you want, Hisoka?” 

“I just wanted to know if you wanted to get some sausage? I know a great place nearby.”

“No” Illumi just sighed again. 

“Are you sure? The sausage there is great, very thick.” 

“I am not going to get sausage with you Hisoka.” 

“Well you are missing out. I'm going out to the car..” 

“Don’t call me dear.” Illumi called after him. 

Hisoka annoyingly just laughed at Illumi’s comment as he walked out of the courtroom. But then Illumi started thinking. What was so bad about “getting sausage” with Hisoka, I mean he was reasonably attractive. He had the body of someone who obviously went to the gym often and cared about his appearance, and Illumi was willing to bet he smelled good. He had looked especially good in court today, Illumi thought. It wasn't often that he got to see the other argue in court, he didn't make it a point to go see his cases, and they (thankfully) did not often work on cases together. Besides they didn't have to be dating “get sausage” so to speak. What the heck Illumi was in a good mood after the case, and even if it sucked he would just have Hisoka framed for murder or something, so he would never have to see him again. 

As he walked to Hisoka’s car (Hisoka was still his ride after all) he tried to psych him to “pop the question” so to speak. As he got in the car Hisoka spoke up before he could say anything. “To your office or do you want to go somewhere else.” Hisoka was wearing his obnoxious “driving sunglasses” as he liked to call them. They were cherry red cat eye sunglasses that somehow both matched and clashed with his hair. 

“Actually,” Illumi took a deep breath in and out, “ I think I want to go get some of that… uh sausage with you.” Illumi said as he looked forward, the asphalt in front of him suddenly getting very interesting. 

“Oh really Illumi,” Hisoka said with a mischievous grin, “I thought you would never ask.” And, with that they pulled out of the court parking lot and sped off. 

\---

And, that is how Illumi ended in a quaint little bed and breakfast having sausage with Hisoka. 

No actual sausage. 

“Isn't it good Illumi, you know they make this stuff fresh every morning.”

Illumi just let out a short grunt of affirmation, too bewildered to say anything.

“I'm surprised it is still this good, considering it only took 8 years for me to convince you to come here.” 

Illumi just glared at him.

“Really what were you expecting Illumi when I said get sausage,” a look of realization came over Hisoka, “oh, you thought.” He burst out into a laughing fit loud enough to bother the patrons around them.

“Really Illumi you thought… I cant believe you thought that, get your mind out of the gutter.”

At that moment Illumi made up his mind. He was going to kill Hisoka.

And they go into Hisok’s bubblegum pink convertible and fuck (implied).

The end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really felt bad for Leorio and Kurapika in this fic, they didn't deserve this. I also had a bunch more planned and they were going to meet with (and subsequently antagonize) some of your favorite hxh characters, but i have no motivation ever and its a wonder this fic got written at all. 
> 
> Also, don't forget to vote for your favorite fic in the comments, we are counting votes until Christmas and after that we will be splitting each of the stories into their own fic. (also you dont have to vote for me I promise it wont hurt my feelings). The winner of the contest will write a short epilogue as a thank you to everybody who voted for them. 
> 
> Also also, as a fun game you can try to figure out who wrote what, was it:  
> I_FUCKED_YOUR_MOM: Illustrious writer of the Country Boy I Love You Series  
> I_TOPPED_YOUR_DAD: the sister of I_FUCKED_YOUR_MOM  
> or I_SUCKED-OFF_YOUR_GRANDPA: the friend who got dragged along  
> The prize is our thoughts and prayers.


	3. The Mystery of the Tortoise in the Circus Tent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fake dating? In a Circus? Perish the thought!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi bro's
> 
> this was way more effort than I thought it would be, but i hope you enjoy it.

The Mystery of the Tortoise in the Circus Tent

Their eyes met from opposite sides of the tightrope.

The assassin’s impossibly arched eyebrow creeped even higher. He hadn’t expected to see  _ him _ here. Not that he should have been surprised. The clown did have a tendency to show up when he wasn’t expected, and in a circus tent, auditioning for a spot in the top circus on the entire Yorbian Continent was quite unexpected. 

They stared at each other, silently communicating with their eyes. ‘Fancy meeting you here ~ You are looking simply ~ _ mmhhh _ ~’ Hisoka’s squinting golden eyes seemed to express.

Illumi sighed. Even when he wasn’t speaking, interacting with the clown was quite annoying. He chose to ignore his silent comment and continue with his routine- this was an audition after all. Darting forward, he vaulted over the clown’s head and grabbed a trapeze that hung high above them, but as soon as he grabbed the bar, he felt a distinct weight gripping at his ankles.

It was Hisoka. It seemed that the clown had decided to join in on his performance and had grabbed on.

Illumi frowned. He needed to nail this audition.

He kicked the clown off towards another trapeze a few feet away. The other effortlessly grabbed onto it, doing an impressive flip as he went. Ignoring this, Illumi did a somersault of his own. Landing delicately back onto the tightrope, he completed a few complex acrobatic moves, while maintaining a perfect posture and grace, before jumping back to the trapeze with Hisoka. Their experience fighting with and against each other made itself useful here and their moves were completely in sync. There was an obvious tension between the two, stemming from Illumi’s annoyance at the clown for interrupting his act, but their moves still seemed to perfectly complement each other’s, and the two painted an impressive picture for the panel of judges watching them far below.

“Mr Hisoka, Mr Hauser, I think we have seen enough, could you two come down here!” the circus ringmaster yelled up to the two of them.

Hisoka flashed Illumi a cheeky grin before letting go of the rope, catapulting down, and landing flashily before the ringmaster and the rest of the panel of judges. Illumi could only sigh again, as he too let go of the trapeze and landed, no less impressively, but much less flamboyantly next to him.

“That was a very impressive showing, you two,” continued the ringmaster, a slightly pudgy man with a curly moustache. He had kind eyes and a fatherly disposition, that peculiarly did not clash with his loud pinstriped black and red ringmaster suit and hat. “I’d be happy to hire either one of you, but I am afraid we are only looking for one act.”

“Well, that’s unfortu”… “We are a double act” Hisoka was interrupted as Illumi grabbed his elbow. “We are a double act. Hisoka here, was just confused, and didn’t realize that I signed up already for the both of us.” The assassin squeezed hard enough for the elbow to threaten to pop out of its socket, but Hisoka did not react. “He is forgetful like that.”

“So, you two know each other?” the ringmaster asked. “That certainly explains how your act was so well put together.”

“Thank you.” Illumi smiled, and only released the others' elbows when he too smiled and nodded along. “You are too kind.”

The ringmaster considered the two in front of him before responding. “You’ll have to split the salary, but as a part of this circus you get meals and lodgings provided. Does this work for the two of you?”

“Yes, that would be wonderful.” Hisoka finally entered the conversation.

“Good, then the two of you are hired.” The ringmaster clapped his hands together, “You can retrieve any luggage that you may have brought, and Claude-Filipe will show you to your rooms. Breakfast tomorrow is from 6-8 in the mess hall and report here to the tent at 8:30 to start practice.”

They were dismissed, and a young man hopped up from his seat with the other judges and led them away. He had light chestnut hair and a sunny disposition. He and Hisoka chattered as he led them to their room. They had auditioned in the big circus tent, used for performances, but there were also several buildings around that were owned by the circus. They passed the carnival vendor stands and animal enclosure, as they made their way to a building that resembled a small hotel.

“The bottom floor is the mess hall and the gym. The top floors are where everyone lives.” Claude-Filipe explained as they walked up a flight of stairs. “Of course, you are free to get your own apartment too, but most people find it’s easier to live here, so this place is pretty full. We only have one empty room, so you two will have to share. That won’t be a problem, right?”

They had reached their door, and Claude-Filipe handed them each a key.

“That should be fine,” Illumi said, opening the door and stepping in, dragging Hisoka in behind him.

“If you need anything for the room, just let me know,” Claude-Filipe continued to say, but with a quick, “thanks” Illumi closed the door on his face and whipped around towards Hisoka, pointing a finger in his face.

“You have some explaining to do.”

\-----

Illumi stared down the long buffet of breakfast options.

It was quite an impressive spread. There were pancakes, waffles, biscuits, and French toast. Past that were bowls of oatmeal and grits and a huge stack of breakfast burritos. Littered throughout them all were fresh fruits and various proteins, including eggs, sausage, bacon, and ham.

Illumi loaded his plate with waffles smothered in chocolate and fresh strawberry slices. He had arrived at the mess right at 6am, when it was first opening, so there wasn’t anyone there yet to see him eating this less than healthy breakfast. But he deserved it. He had had a very interesting night last night.

It all started a few days ago when Illumi received this assignment from his father. He was to kill Lady Léone Dutoit, the duchess of a small but prosperous nation on the Yorbian continent. This seemed relatively simple, but the duchess was notoriously very paranoid and reclusive, the location of her residence being top secret. Even the Zoldyck butlers were unable to uncover it, but there was one place where she was certain to be. Every year she would make an appearance at the Myriad Circus in a private box on the left side of the audience, stage right if you will. This was the best shot that they had of locating her, so it was decided that Illumi would go undercover as a performer in the show and, when she appeared, assassinate her. Conveniently, the Myriad Circus was holding open auditions for a new trapeze act. With Illumi’s acrobatic skill, getting this job would be easy.

So, he had gone to the open audition under the alias of Jeremy Hauser, and who did he run into at the other end of the tightrope. None but Illumi’s least favorite acquaintance: Hisoka. This really was an illustrious title, but the clown was in fact highly qualified for it. The reason being that every interaction the two had followed a very specific formula.

Step 1: Hisoka would greet Illumi with a compliment to his appearance and an implication that he would like to, as the kids say, ‘tap that.’

Step 2: Illumi would disgustedly ignore his comment.

Step 3: Illumi would bring up a normal conversation topic (like the assassination he was doing or what poisons he was trying lately).

Step 4: Hisoka would ignore this comment and ask if he could fight Silva Zoldyck.

Step 5: Illumi would throw a needle at his face.

Step 6: Hisoka would dodge.

Step 7: Illumi would try to leave the conversation.

Step 8: Hisoka would flirt with him.

Step 9: They would either fight or one of them would leave.

Rinse and repeat.

So, yes, Hisoka was very deserving of his title as Illumi’s least favorite acquaintance. And during the audition yesterday, Illumi had learned that they could go through all these steps without even talking (Hisoka had a very expressive face). The needle to the face had been replaced with a few death-defying stunts on the trapeze, but it was the thought that counts.

Illumi took an especially harsh bite of his waffle, ‘damn that clown for always getting in my way, and also, damn this waffle is good.’

Of course, the clown happened to audition at the same time as him, and of course the circus only needed one new act. As Hisoka had grown up in a circus, he was as, if not more, skilled in acrobatics as the assassin; and with his charismatic personality, he, out of the two, would be the better option for the position. Illumi did not want to have to compete with him, so he had declared them a double act. It would be a pain to work with the clown, but it was his best option. He would be able fulfill his mission and could make the other deal with all of the circus nonsense.

After a few glares, Hisoka had gone along with his plan, but this did not make Illumi less annoyed at his presence there in the first place. As soon as he closed the door in Claude-Filipe’s face, he had whirled around and confronted the clown.

“You have some explaining to do! Why are you here?”

“My dear Illumi, I am so delighted that you think that I am here for you, but unfortunately that is not the case.” He pouted obnoxiously, “Try not to be too jealous.”

Illumi, whose feelings much more resembled rage than jealousy, grabbed the clown by his jester suit collar and pinned him to the door with a whack, a needle poised at the other's neck. He gritted his teeth, “That is not what I said. Why are you here?”

Hisoka was not fazed by the new position he found himself in and rested his hands on the assassin’s waist, his hands brushing the long braid that fell in the center of the assassins' back. Any other day, this move would have earned him two broken wrists, but Illumi needed those wrists intact for their double trapeze act, so he chose to overlook this.

“If you really must know, I am here for a fight.” Hisoka crooned. “Well, I mean I am going to fight them, and they will either defend themselves or die.”

“And who is it that you are here to fight?” Illumi’s needle pierced through the first layer of the clown skin, but Hisoka was nonchalant.

That is until Illumi felt a forceful tug on the bottom of his braid. Illumi had been peering up at the other, already 2 inches taller than him, and with his heels, several more than that, and this tug caused him to fall onto his back on the floor. The clown fell on top of him, reversing the pin. He grinned down at the assassin whose braid was bungee gummed to his hand. “Wouldn’t you like to know.”

What then ensued was a short and petty scuffle between the clown and the assassin. The two held back, as they didn’t want to accidentally blow their covers, but to anyone in the surrounding rooms it was clear that  _ something  _ was going on between the two of them. Illumi was unaware of this as he pounded the clown into the one mattress in the center of the room (with his fists, get your mind out of the gutter). The clown was more aware of what the neighbors might be thinking but didn’t really care and continued to enjoy his beating. He fought with Illumi relatively often, but that did not make it any less enjoyable.

The scuffle was short-lived, and Hisoka eventually revealed who he was there to fight. It turned out that the unassuming ringmaster was actually a skilled nen-user known as Theodore “the headhunter” Schmidt. He was a former mercenary but had long since retired to run the circus, but back when he was a mercenary, he had a kill count in the thousands and had reportedly never been injured. After hearing this, Hisoka had obviously wanted to be the one to first injure this legendary fighter, so he had decided to audition for the circus. Since he had nothing better to do, he was going to hang around for a little while before challenging the mercenary.

Illumi, too, divulged the context for his infiltration of the circus, and the two of them agreed to work together for the time being. Illumi then slipped out of the window to do reconnaissance of the circus tent in preparation for the upcoming assassination. He had come straight from there to breakfast, and had yet to see Hisoka yet that morning, not that that really bothered him.

He finished his breakfast and disposed of his plate and cutlery. There was still another 2 hours before he needed to report to the circus tent, but it never hurt to be early.

\-----

Hisoka trapezed into the mess hall at exactly 7:45 and was in a wonderful mood. The majority of the Breakfast spread was gone but that did not put a damper on his geniality at all. How could it, when everything was going his way. He had successfully infiltrated the circus, he was going to fight the ringmaster soon, just as soon as he got bored with the circus thing, and he had even had a nice romp in the sheets with Illumi last night (they were fighting, get your mind out of the gutter) and that was always enjoyable.

He spooned himself out a bowl of oatmeal and sat at the end of one of the long tables that filled the room. There was only another 15 minutes of Breakfast so there weren’t too many people left in the room, and they trickled out as Hisoka enjoyed his meal. Some glanced at him, but his gaudy appearance did not really stand out amongst the circus crowd, and other than a few polite greetings, no one talked to him. That is until Claude-Filipe plopped down next to him, a plate of cold pancakes in his hands.

“Morning, Hisoka”

“~ _ Good morning to you too _ ~”

“Ah,” Claude-Filipe sighed, “breakfast was rough today. I’m the chef by the way, and boy oh boy was today's breakfast a doozy. Not that it‘s ever easy, with how hard I work around here, but I try to go all out when we get new people. And I really hoped that you and your boyfriend would get here early so you would have first pick. I saw him here earlier, but I guess you’re not a morning person. I’m not either by the way, but rehearsal is sooooo early…”

Claude-Filipe kept talking, he was quite the chatterbox, but what was it that he just said? Boyfriend? His boyfriend was Illumi? Where did he get that idea from, not that he would object to it as, the assassin was quite [REDACTED], but still.

“~Pardon the interruption but, boyfriend?” Hisoka interjected

Claude-Filipe guiltily put a hand over his mouth. “Oh, was that supposed to be a secret? Cause I’m not going to lie, y’all are not that discreet. I mean that audition. It was obvious that you two have worked together before, and I mean  _ intimately _ , you were so in sync. And then afterwards, you two acted just like an old married couple. Jeremy’s got you wrapped around his little finger doesn’t he.”

Hisoka raised his eyebrow minutely.

“You don’t have to say anything. I mean especially after he grabbed your elbow. You were like putty in his hands. But if you really want to know how I know that you two are a couple, well, I happen to be the neighbor to your room, and the two of you made some interesting noises last night.”

Hisoka’s eyebrows shot up the rest of the way.

“I did mean to talk to you two about that.” Claude-Filipe continued, “If I am going your neighbor, you guys need to keep it down when you  _ *cough* _ consummate your love for each other. It’s not easy being the private chef for this entire circus, and I gotta get a good night’s sleep so I can get up early for breakfast.”

Hisoka stared at his breakfast companion incredulously, but responded, “We will endeavor to be quieter in the future.”

“Thank you, you know they work me like a slave in that kitchen and I have my work as a clown too. It can really wear a guy out.”

“I can imagine,” Hisoka nodded sagely, “By the way, would you mind keeping mine and Illu- Jeremy’s relationship under wraps.”

Claude-Filipe once again covered his mouth with his hand. “I’m afraid it may be a little too late for that,” he said guiltily. “I have kind of a blabbermouth and may have already told everyone that you are dating. Don’t worry though! Everyone here is cool with gay couples. I mean even the ringmaster has a husband.”

Hisoka was suddenly interested, “Does he now?”

“Oh yeah, he….” a bell rang signaling the end of breakfast. Claude-Filipe popped up, his empty plate in hands, though how he managed to eat while doing all that talking was astounding to Hisoka.

“Is that the time? Well, I must be going, I have to clean up before getting to the circus tent for rehearsal.” Claude-Filipe took Hisoka’s mostly empty bowl. “You’d better get going too. You still need to find your boyfriend and get to the tent. You wouldn’t want to be late on the first day!”

And with that, the young Claude-Filipe flounced off into the kitchen. A perplexed Hisoka was left to get up and make his way to the tent. He was confident Illumi would be there waiting for him, as he was eternally punctual, so he used this walk to think about his interesting 15 minutes of Breakfast. Claude-Filipe was really a strange person. But he did let him know an interesting fact about the ringmaster.

Hisoka smiled. It took an interesting person to marry a mercenary nicknamed “the headhunter.” If he played his cards right, he might even get to fight 2 skilled nen users instead of just one. Even if the spouse was just normal, people tended to fight harder when the stakes were higher.

Hisoka briefly flashed back to the beginning of the conversation. Him dating Illumi? It was laughable, but if there was one thing he knew: Illumi would be pissed.

\-----

Illumi was pissed.

They had only been here one day, and already something had gone wrong. This was all Hisoka’s fault.

If he hadn’t had been at that stupid audition to get into this stupid circus, then none of this would have happened. And Illumi wouldn’t be sitting, here, in the stands of the circus tent, holding hands with the object of all of his ire. The clown, Hisoka Morrow.

Up until this point he had been having a wonderful morning. After his delightful breakfast of waffles, he had planned to go straight to the circus tent to get in some light warmups, but on his way there he heard some very unusual noises coming from the opposite direction. As Illumi still had some time to kill before rehearsal, he decided to take a detour to go check it out.

His search led him to the area where all the animals were kept, and he walked around looking at all of them. The entire enclosure was huge, separated into chunks based on the kind of animal it housed: elephants, horses, camels, and a variety of big cats. As a Zoldyck and an assassin, aka a rich person that primarily killed other rich people, he had seen his fair share of exotic animals that were kept as pets. His mother even had an aviary of hawks and other rare birds but never before had he seen captive animals that seemed as wild as the ones in this circus. The predators were proud and noble and even the prey animals had an aristocratic air about them, like they knew that you did not have what it takes to survive in the wild, but they did.

Illumi walked around them all, admiring them until a solitary leopard caught his attention. It was about the size of a man and looked completely black at first glance. Looking closer faint dark brown spots appeared, and the assassin was mesmerized by the animal’s distinct appearance. The leopard seemed to sense his presence and raised its head to stare Illumi in the eye. The assassin stared back and was struck by the sudden and inexplicable urge to pet this imposing animal.

He slowly opened the door of the cage and slipped in, careful not to disturb the beast inside. Its big black eyes stared into Illumi’s own and the two watched each other as the assassin slowly approached. Illumi reached out his hand to touch the leopard’s head. It growled lowly, and Illumi slipped a needle into the palm of his other hand just in case, but he was undeterred. He reached out some more and was about to rest his hand on the leopard’s head when he heard a cry from behind him, and the still leopard stiffened unnaturally.

“What do you think you are doing in a cage with a panther?” a man ran up to the cage and pulled Illumi out, locking the cage behind him. “Don’t you know that leopards are deadly? You could have been killed?”

Illumi tried to look guilty. “Oh, sorry about that.”

“Sorry about that! And what were you thinking when you went into a cage with a  _ Leopard _ !”

Illumi was actually a little sheepish when he answered this time. He hadn’t really been thinking very much. It wasn’t like the leopard could hurt him, but “It was very cute.”

“It was cute! So, you… you wanted to pet it didn’t you.”

The man looked at Illumi disapprovingly as the assassin nodded. He sighed, “You must be one of the new hires Theo told me about.”

Theo? Oh, the ringmaster, Theodore. “Yes, I’m Jeremy Hauser. Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too. I’m Bailey. I take care of the animals here at the circus.” Bailey looked a little sheepish, “Sorry I yelled at you earlier, but you should know better than to open a cage with a wild animal.”

A sheepish expression once again spread over the assassin’s face, but the animal keeper seemed to take pity on him. “How bout this, it’s breakfast time for the animals, and if you would like you can help me feed them.”

Illumi perked up and nodded.

“Well then, let’s get started with the horses.” The man turned and walked away, and Illumi followed, but before he left, he glanced back at the leopard in its cage. It was still stiffly standing in the same spot as before. Illumi quickly used gyo.

A hazy yellow aura surrounded the animal connecting to the retreating figure of Bailey. As he moved farther away, the panther was suddenly unfrozen and slunk to the back of the cage. 

Illumi blinked and hurriedly caught up with the man. It seemed that his new friend was a nen user.

Illumi and Bailey spent the next hour and a half distributing the various animals’ breakfasts. Bailey turned out to not be a talkative person, when he wasn’t angry, and they worked mostly in a comfortable silence. He got along very well with the animals, and though Illumi kept a close eye out, he did not use nen again.

Overall, Illumi found that he had a very enjoyable morning. He had had a tasty breakfast and taking care of the animals was surprisingly enjoyable as well. He was in quite a good mood when he arrived at the circus tent a respectable 20 minutes early and even made small talk with some of the other performers.

Of course, his mood was ruined when Hisoka slipped in a minute before rehearsal began and informed him of their little predicament. Him, dating that pompous, garishly dressed, imbecile of a clown, it was simply laughable.

Well technically it wasn’t him who was supposedly dating Hisoka, it was Jeremy, his alias, but still, it was him who would have to act the part. And it was also him, who had to hold the clown’s hand as they watched rehearsal that morning.

As they were new and hadn’t yet had a routine approved of by the ringmaster, the two were told to sit in the stands and watch a run of the show. Hisoka had then taken it upon himself to grab onto the assassin’s hand, much to his chagrin. Hisoka was getting very close to losing that hand, but unfortunately Illumi was again stopped by the convention of maintaining their cover. And apparently, according to the clown, if they were supposed to ‘be a couple’ they had to sell it.

\----

Hisoka watched as Illumi dramatically threw himself onto the solitary bed in their shared room. Their first day of rehearsals had definitely been interesting.

This morning they had watched the run of the show. They were all very talented and it was obvious why Myriad Circus was known as the best on the Yorbian continent. Even more impressively the performers did their death-defying feats completely without the use of nen. Except for the ringmaster and the animal keeper, who Illumi had told him about earlier, it seemed that none of them even knew about the existence of nen.

After a quick lunch, in the mess hall, they had their afternoon rehearsal. Unlike the ones in the morning, which were with the entire cast of the circus, for the afternoon rehearsals, they were split up to practice their respective routines. This meant that he and Illumi were alone for the first time since their fight the night before. Perched on the tightrope, high above the floor of the tent, they finally had a chance to talk about the newest development in their cover.

“Why the hell, do they think that we are dating?” The assassin hissed, glaring at the other.”

Hisoka smiled good-naturedly, pulling out a deck of cards and shuffling them. “It’s not my fault.” He explained what Claude-Filipe had told him earlier. “Would you rather I had told him that we were fighting, and how would we explain that.”

Illumi huffed. “And now we have to pretend that we are dating. How are we supposed to pull that off?”

“My dearest Illumi, this will be easier than you think. Just leave it to me and follow my lead.” Hisoka threw a card up into the air. The assassin dashed over and snatched it.

“If I leave it up to you, you will end up losing those hands of yours.” He handed the card back to the clown. “We need to establish some rules?”

“Rules?” Hisoka stepped forward, leaning his face down just inches in front of the assassins. If either of them leaned forward anymore, their lips would touch. This earned him a punch to the stomach, and he stumbled back slightly.

“Rule number 1: no kissing.” 

“Number 2: no punching,” Hisoka rebutted.

The assassin squinted but nodded in agreement. “No interfering with my assassination.”

“Fine, as long as you do not try to keep me from fighting the ringmaster.”

“As long as it is after I finish, killing Lady Dutoit, I don’t care what you do.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “So how is this going to work?”

__

“How do you want it to work my dearest?”

The clown used texture surprise to turn a card into a rose and held it out to Illumi, “I can be an affectionate lover. I can shower you with gifts and praise, only refer to you with pet names. Illumi my  _ Sweetheart _ , my  _ Angel _ , my  _ Other Half _ .” The rose disappeared and Hisoka ran a hand through his hair, assuming his trademarked horny-pose TM “Or I can be a salacious lover. You would be my muse, and no one would doubt my want for you.”

The assassin looked away in disgust. “Rule number 3: no whatever that just was.”

Hisoka dropped the pose and pouted like a 4-year-old. “But why not? You obviously don’t have any ideas.”

‘Fuck, he was right.’

Illumi stared at him, thinking hard. “Ok, here is what we are going to do.”

The other eyed him suspiciously, “No kissing, no suggestive touching, no pet names except dear and even then, use it sparingly. We are going to eat lunch together, but after afternoon rehearsal, you are free to do whatever you want. We will meet back again for dinner, and though we are going to be sharing a bedroom there will be NO promiscuous behaviors.”

“Ok, fine.” The clown pouted some more, but the two of them actually did have to work. “But I get to choreograph our routine.” Illumi, hadn’t really wanted to do that anyway, so he agreed.

And that was that. 

After rehearsal, there had been a welcoming party, where the two were officially introduced to the rest of the cast. It was obvious at this point that the others thought they were a couple, and they fielded questions about their relationship, throughout the event, making things up as they went. Hisoka and Jeremy met 5 years ago, had been working together for 3, and dating for that long as well. Their first date was at a coffee shop and their anniversary was August 17th. Throughout the event, Hisoka kept his hand casually on the small of the assassins back, and the other performers were charmed at their casual intimacy, especially when Illumi left to retrieve the other a plate of his favorite foods from the buffet.

The event was overall exhausting, and they stayed there the conventionally acceptable amount of time before retreating back to their room.

Having not slept for at least 48, as soon as they arrived back, Illumi flung himself onto the bed, and wrapped the blanket around himself, until only his eyes and the top of his head stuck out. 

Hisoka just shook his head in amusement, and sat down in a corner to build a card tower. The assassin squinted at him suspiciously before, apparently, determining it was safe enough, closing his eyes and falling immediately asleep. 

As he stacked, Hisoka admired the sleeping assassin. He really was beautiful. Though only the top of his head could be seen, it highlighted his thin eyebrows and long eyelashes. He had worn his hair loose today, and the part that wasn’t bundled up in the blanket, spread around him in an angelic, but tangled, halo. 

After amusing himself for an hour, Hisoka decided it was time for bed. There was an en-suite bathroom, and he took off his makeup, brushed his teeth, and changed into his pajamas. Looking over to the bed, where the assassin hadn’t moved, he thought it might be best if he woke him up so he could get ready for bed. It definitely didn’t look comfortable to sleep in the clothes he had been wearing all day, not to mention any hidden weapons that the assassin had on his person.

He approached the bed, reaching out a hand to shake the assassin awake, when a needle appeared at his throat. Ilumi’s cold eyes were trained on him and he held his hands up in surrender. It seemed he wasn’t as asleep as he thought.

“I’m not doing anything.” Hisoka backed away slightly, “I just wanted to wake you so you could change into your pajamas.” The assassin cocked his head, like he hadn’t heard. His eyes, on second glance, though cold as ice were cloudy. It seemed he was a little more as _ l _ eep than he thought.

“Illumi!”

The assassin startled slightly, before blinking twice and seemingly waking up.

“Hisoka.” He responded annoyed.

Hisoka, who was now out of immediate danger, reverted back to his brash ways. “Relax, I was just going to tell you that you should probably brush your teeth.” He twirled a card in his fingers.

The assassin snarled but got up and made his way into the bathroom. Hisoka, remade the bed and settled down on the right side. It was a queen, so there should be enough for the both of them, but Hisoka did tend to sprawl. Hopefully Illumi wouldn’t mind.

Speaking of him, the assassin returned from the bathroom. He hesitated for half a second, before slipping onto the left side of the bed. In his hand he held a brush and was roughly tearing it through his long hair.

Hisoka frowned. He was a firm believer in good hair care. He had even brought with him his own silk pillowcase, so watching the assassin’s harsh strokes was an assault to his senses. He watched the tragedy for a few moments, before stepping in.

“I could help you with that, if you want.”

The assassin ignored him, and the brushing continued.

“I’m being serious, that can’t be healthy for your hair. Just let me help.” He grabbed at the brush, but Illumi dodged.

“It’s always worked fine before, and I don’t need your help.”

Illum thought this would be the end of it but Hisoka lunged, snatching the brush away and grabbing both of the assassin’s wrists with his other hand. Illumi tried to retaliate, but Hisoka connected his hands with bungee gum and tethered them to the bed. The assassin twisted his legs around, trying to use his thighs to pin the clown’s arms to his side, but Hisoka anticipated this and quickly lifted his arms and using bungee gum to lock Illumi’s legs in place.

They stared at each other, Illumi’s legs tight around Hisoka’s torso, neither backing down, until the clown cocked an eyebrow. “I’m fine staying in this position all night, but if you just let me brush your hair, we can both go to sleep.”

Illumi glared a moment more before nodding, and Hisoka untethered him. Though annoyed, the assassin turned, giving the other access to his long black hair.

The clown almost squealed with delight. Though it was brushed so roughly, it was still shiny and soft, and he took great care in parting it and combing it gently, working from the bottom up in every section.

Illumi hadn’t had someone comb his hair since he was a child and relaxed subtly as the other smoothly worked over every section. He tensed up again when he felt the clown’s hands in his hair without the brush but relaxed again when he realized the other was just putting it into a long braid, tight enough that it wouldn’t fall out in his sleep, but loose enough that it was comfortable.

When he was done, the two settled into the bed and Hisoka turned off the lamp on the bedside table, casting the room into darkness. Soon after they were asleep.

\-----

Illumi woke the next morning with Hisoka’s arm settled over his torso. He slept on his stomach and had sprawled into the assassin’s space sometime during the night. Illumi, who had stolen most of the blanket, was curled up facing him.

Soundlessly, he slipped out of the bed and dressed for the day.

He was gone long before Hisoka woke up.

\-----

Thus, began a routine. Illumi would wake up and slip from underneath the arm of the clown. He would get breakfast, and then join Bailey in feeding the animals their breakfast. At the circus tent for morning group rehearsal, he would meet up with Hisoka, who would have gotten up about an hour after Illumi, and later they would eat lunch together in the mess hall. Then it was back to the tent for afternoon rehearsal, and then they would part ways. Illumi used this time to try and investigate Lady Léone Dutoit, though as of yet, he hadn’t heard anything about her. The second day, Hisoka had gone into the nearby city and bought another blanket for their bed and a silk pillowcase, but usually he would hang out with the other performers. He claimed he was investigating who the ringmaster’s spouse was, but obviously wasn’t trying that hard. The ringmaster was very discreet about his relationship, and though the cast knew he was married, they did not know who the fabled spouse was.

They met up again for dinner, and then they would go back to their room. For about an hour they would chill in there, Hisoka playing cards or watching tv, and Illumi tapping away on his computer, updating his father on the state of the mission or doing some other Zoldyck business that could be done remotely. And then they would get ready for bed. The conflict began soon after that, when it became time to brush Illumi’s hair. The assassin was initially determined that he would brush his own hair, and there was a scuffle, one that Hisoka inevitably won. But after a few days, Illumi’s struggle became less and less genuine, and after a week he just handed the clown the brush. Though it may hurt his pride, it felt nice, and his hair had never looked tidier.

With his hair nicely braided, Illumi wrapped himself into a burrito, using the blanket Hisoka had bought for him and settled onto the silk pillowcase. Hisoka settled next to him, and they went to sleep.

Yes, this was their routine, but with the opening of the show in a few days this routine would soon change.

It was halfway through morning rehearsal on the Monday before the show's grand opening, when Illumi finally saw her: Lady Léone Dutoit. They were doing another run of the show and it was halfway through his and Hisoka’s act, when an anguished cry came from a private box, located on the left side of the audience seating.

“Ahhhhhhh!!! MY TORTOISE!!!”

Illumi whipped his head towards the sound and almost didn’t grab onto Hisoka’s ankles. His reflexes saved him, keeping him from falling down to the floor far below the trapeze, but it did throw the two off balance. Hisoka let go of the trapeze landing on the tightrope just below, in time to hear a second, even louder, wail.

“CHAAAARLES!!!”

The door to the private box slammed open, and a tear-soaked woman dramatically threw herself out. “MY TORTOISE CHARLES IS MISSING!!!”

“My lady!” a hulking man appeared behind her and tried to right her from where she was kneeling on the floor. “Please, control yourself!”

“how caN I WheN CHarLeS IS MISSING!!!” She wrenched herself out of the man’s, who was apparently her bodyguard’s, arms, and threw herself back on the floor where she continued to sob.

“Lady Léone Please!”

Illumi perked up at this. The woman he had been trying to find this whole time appeared right in front of him. What are the odds?

He took a step forward, needle in hand, but a firm grasp on his arm kept him from going any further.

“You can’t kill her, yet.” Hisoka hissed into his ear over the wails from the woman below.

“And why is that?” The assassin’s tone was ice-y, and he tensed.

The entire circus was focused on the woman, so no one noticed the hostility coming from the two above them. And, definitely, no one saw Hisoka wrench Illumi’s arm behind his back, using bungee gum to keep it there. “Because I still haven’t found the ringmaster's husband.” He dodged a needle headed towards his eye, “You wouldn’t want me to have an unsatisfying fight, would you?”

Illumi used his free arm to ram his fist into the others face and pitch the clown over his head. Hisoka almost fell but was able to grab the tightrope.

“You think I care about your fight,” Illumi snarled. “All I care about is my family, and my family said that I have to kill that woman.” He placed a foot on the clown’s hand, “And nothing is going to stop me.”

He pressed his foot down, and Hisoka fell.

\----

Hisoka waited 15 minutes before determining that Illumi wasn’t coming to afternoon rehearsal, but it wasn’t like he was expecting him to show. The last he had seen the assassin, he was tearing out of the circus tent after Lady Léone, who was being ushered away by her bodyguard. Based on the fact that Illumi had yet to return, Hisoka assumed he hadn’t caught her.

He pushed himself off from where he had been leaning against the ladder leading up to the tightrope and stalked back to his room, sitting in the corner to stack cards and brood.

After the mysterious appearance of the duchess, morning rehearsal had been cancelled, so no one had noticed Illumi’s mysterious absence. Hisoka who obviously was not too happy with his companion just then, had skipped lunch, just in case he was there, but against his better judgement he had gone to the tent for afternoon rehearsal. It wasn’t like he wanted to see the assassin. It was just that he wants to finalize the details of their trapeze routine for opening night Friday. He was a performer, and he took his craft seriously. That and that he wanted an apology. He  _ had _ broken the no punching agreement.

Yeah, that was the only reason.

Hisoka waved a hand through his perfectly erected card tower, watching cards flutter to the ground.

This was so like Illumi.

Hisoka sighed. He couldn’t even blame the assassin, because he understood him too well. It was true that he had interfered with Illumi’s mission, but if that was what the assassin really cared about, then he would have just killed him and thrown one of his needles at the duchess. Even from the tightrope, his accuracy would be unaffected.

But Illumi had not done that. No, he had used those precious few moments, when his target was within his reach, to fight Hisoka. To reaffirm his place as a Zoldyck. To destroy any trace of the connection that the two had made during their time here, together.

Hisoka too was well aware of the dangers of becoming too comfortable with someone. The difference was that he had long ago decided that he wanted it with Illumi Zoldyck.

But he was scared.

So, he flirted with and teased the other, aware that he would never accept these unwanted advances. Yet the universe kept throwing them together. At Heaven’s Arena, at the Hunter Exam, and so many other casual meetings that never escalated into anything more. That is until now.

At the circus they had spent so much more time together. In an effort to avoid bodily harm, he had dropped the flirting, and when they talked, during rehearsal, meals, or before bed, it was nice. He got to brush his hair, and once when he had woken up early to pee, he had seen Illumi wrapped in the blanket he had bought him and snuggled up against his side.

His fragile sensibilities had damn near made his heart explode, but he avoided an early demise in order to get back in bed and admire the assassin, sleeping next to him. It was near when Illumi usually woke up, so Hisoka pretended to be asleep as the other stirred. His large eyes blinked open and Hisoka felt his gaze land upon him. The gaze lingered for a long time before the assassin slipped out of the bed and into the bathroom.

Hisoka knew that he might just be reading into things, but he was almost positive in that moment, that the other felt something for him too. After today’s actions, though, it was obvious that any feelings that he might harbor for the clown were unwanted and secondary to his precious  _ job _ .

The door banged open and a disgruntled assassin stomped into the room and straight for the bathroom, slamming both doors behind him.

Hisoka scowled after him. The assassin was gone for a long time, by now it was already past dinnertime, and  _ this _ was how he returned? 

He went back to stacking his cards.

Illumi slunk out of the bathroom, comb in hand. He ran it harshly through his hair two times, before grumbling lowly and turning to where the clown was still sitting in the corner. He opened his mouth as if to say something... closed it again….

He thrust the hand holding the brush out towards the clown.

Hisoka’s eyebrows raised so much that they touched his hairline. He slowly stood, ignoring the toppling card towers around him, and took the brush.

Illumi turned again and sat with his back turned on his side of the bed.

The clown did not move, staring at the silent assassin. ‘Some kind of apology that was,’ he thought, but he couldn’t help himself from walking up behind the other and beginning the process of gently detangling the others' long hair.

Maybe those feelings he knew Illumi was harboring weren’t as unwanted as he thought.

\-----

Illumi woke as he always did, curled up in his blanket facing the clown next to him. Hisoka was on his stomach, an arm slung around the assassin and breathing deeply. His makeupless face was turned towards him and Illumi studied him. Even without his makeup, his skin was deathly pale, likely due to a lack of exposure to the sun, and without mascara his eyelashes were transparent against his skin. It seemed hard to connect this man with the raucous persona he wore during the day, but he was still as expressive as always, elaborate facial expression and little huffs of breath reacting to whatever dream he was having.

Illumi gazed at this person.

Hisoka.

If you had asked him what he felt about the clown a few weeks ago, hell even a few days ago, he would have said he was his least favorite acquaintance. But that was not quite true anymore. He was still abrasive and ostentatious, but when he wasn’t flirting with him, Illumi found he didn’t mind as much.

That was just who he was. And after many days of rehearsing together on the trapeze high above the tent floor and nights of hands gently removing tangles from his long locks, Illumi found he might even  _ like _ who he was.

He was not sorry for what he said earlier. He was a Zoldyck and family must always come first. But as Illumi lay next to Hisoka on a cold Tuesday morning, he found himself thinking that maybe, someday in the future, he could count Hisoka in his family.

He nestled down and went back to sleep.

\------

Hisoka’s alarm clock woke Illumi up the second time.

The clown, obviously not too happy with the device, angrily smacked it, before noticing the assassin still in their bed.

‘This is new,’ he thought, gazing into the assassin’s eyes. Illumi blinked back at him.

Unfortunately, this gazing had to be cut short, as Hisoka woke up as late as he possibly could, only allotting the bare minimum of time to getting dressed and apply makeup, and he really wanted to get to breakfast before it closed today, having skipped both lunch and dinner the day before.

The two bustled about in their bathroom (it was a generous size, but not nearly enough for the two large men), before heading to breakfast. Arriving at 7:45 (right on time, according to Hisoka), they got their food and Illumi followed the other to his customary seat at the end of one long table.

They were eating in a not quite comfortable silence, when Claude-Filipe plopped his own tray of food in front of them, complaints heavy on his tongue. Hisoka, who was used to this tirade every morning, pretty much tuned out.

“I can’t believe this! Do you know how much work I do around here! I cook for the entire cast, I keep the kitchen clean, and I  _ Work _ in the show! As a  _ Clown _ ! And do I get paid extra for all this?” He paused for dramatic effect looking at the two of them. Illumi shook his head hesitantly.

“Well technically I do,” he deflated a little bit, “But is a dollar fifty extra an hour enough for me to put with this shit?” He took a vicious bite of his breakfast, chewing through his next words, “Not to mention that Boss Theo uses me as his own personal lackey,” he swallowed, “I am 100% sure that getting you coffee is not in my job description. Thank god that I can quit soon.”

Claude-Filipe had apparently honed this rant into a science, and after these last words were said, the bell signaling the end of breakfast went off, and the man scurried back into the kitchen, apparently to clean.

Having a half hour to kill before rehearsal started, Illumi and Hisoka slowly made their way to the circus tent. Though they had yet to say a word to each other, the silence was somehow less tense than the night before. In fact, as after morning rehearsal and lunch things felt as if they had almost gone back to normal. A silent normal, but normal, nonetheless.

Hisoka was the one to break the silence during the afternoon rehearsal. Offering critiques on his performance and directing their complex routine, it wasn’t much, but Illumi could sense that the other wasn’t quite as mad as he was before. Knowing this, Illumi offered as close as he would get to an apology, at the end of rehearsal.

“I’ll see you tonight?”

The clown paused… He sighed heavily, “I guess you will.”

He turned and walked out of the tent, leaving Illumi to stare at his retreating figure.

He stared for a long time.

Illumi shook his head, snapping himself out of it. There were still things that he needed to do. For one, the duchess was still alive, so he needed to remedy that, but he still did not know how to find her. During his scuffle with Hisoka, her bodyguard had ushered her away, and by the time he had gotten out of the circus tent, they were already driving away. He tried to pursue, but the bodyguard was skilled in evasion, and they disappeared.

As Illumi thought, he walked around the circus grounds, his feet eventually bringing him to the animal enclosure. He felt a little guilty for skipping this morning, though he had no actual obligation to show up, so he headed inside.

What he found was a very pressed looking Bailey, pacing around the enclosure. He was grumbling loudly, and when he spotted Illumi, he thrust a finger in his face.

“And where were you this morning? Letting me down, just like everyone around here,” he said loudly.

“I slept in,” Illumi answered honestly.

“You slept in! YOU SLEPT IN!” Bailey’s face was bright red- and Illumi was reminded that the generally quiet man was  _ Loud _ when he was angry.

Bailey seemed to realize that his anger was mistargeted and calmed down a little. “Sorry, sorry, I’m not mad at you. Now my husband on the other hand.” He huffed.

Husband? Illumi didn’t know he was married.

“I told my stupid husband that he shouldn’t invite her to the rehearsal, but of course he does it anyway, and, of course, her prized tortoise goes missing halfway through the performance.”

“You’re talking about the woman at rehearsal tomorrow morning?” (The duchess?) Illumi interrupted.

“Obviously, who else would I be talking about.” Bailey looked at Illumi like he was stupid. The assassin ignored this. “OK, so the tortoise is missing. We can just  _ find _ it right?”

Illumi nodded tentatively.

“WRONG, because we go to her private box, to check it out, and what do we find...? A ransom note. For a  _ Turtle _ .”

“Tortoise.”

Bailey shot Illumi a dirty look. “I don’t think  _ that _ is really the _ issue _ here. The  _ issue _ is that a duchess, who has the power to shut down this circus in an instant, had her prized tortoise stolen, during one of  _ our _ rehearsals. And now, that turtle is being ransomed for 10 million dollars. 10 million dollars that we  _ DO NOT HAVE _ ! And none of this would happen if my stupid husband did nOt iNVitE HeR tO THe  _ FREAKING REHERSAL _ !”

After this outburst, Bailey calmed down significantly. He let out a long breath. “I’d appreciate it if you kept this quiet. Theo already talked to Duchess Dutoit, and she told us that she is fine with paying the ransom and she doesn’t blame us for the kidnapping… or tortoise napping. ”

The man seemed more haggard than Illumi had ever seen him, and he collapsed into a chair, his head in his hands.

“It just… It could have been so bad… This circus, it’s been Theo’s dream for 15 years. I know that all I do is take care of the animals, and most people don’t even know that we are married, but… I…”

Illumi rummaged around in his pockets, pulling out a handkerchief, and handing it to the man. He wasn’t crying but he looked damn close.

Bailey took it, bunching it up in his fist. “The kidnapper threatened to kill the tortoise, if we involved the cops. So, we didn’t. The duchess agreed this was the best option. We just need to hold out till opening night.” His eyes were resolved. “During the show Friday, in her private box, the duchess will get her tortoise back, the kidnapper will get their money, and things will go back to normal.” 

\-----

That night, Illumi told Hisoka what he had heard from Bailey.

Needless to say, excited would be an understatement for how the clown reacted.

\-----

Friday night. Opening night, and Hisoka and Illumi were ready.

This was going to be a night to remember.

The show started right on time at 7 on the dot, to a packed audience. Myriad Circus was not called the top circus on the Yorbain Continent for no reason, and it reaffirmed its title with the opening act. It called for the full cast, and every corner of the stage was filled with action. There were big cats surrounded by ballet dancers. Horses prancing around platforms of clowns. Kneeling elephants, and strongmen. In the middle of it all was the Ringmaster, Theodore Schmidt, and high above the audience, flipping between the trapeze, were Hisoka and Illumi.

Though their death-defying stunts were elegant and graceful, with just enough flare that the audience wouldn’t get bored (Hisoka was a surprisingly good choreographer), they were alert. Their eyes were trained on the private box on the left side of the stage where they knew Lady Léone Dutoit was sitting watching the show right now, and where they knew, in just over a half hour, a ransom would be paid (and an assassination and duel between Hisoka and the ringmaster and his husband would take place, if they had anything to do with it).

The opening act ended with a flurry of activity and after the final pose, the performers quickly made their way offstage. For Hisoka and Illumi, this was when the real performance began. They slipped back into their dressing room and hastily changed into their outfits for the coming spectacle. For Illumi this was unassuming black attire, perfect for sneaking in and out of places. For Hisoka, this was the gaudiest outfit known to man, the crop top was gold with a large black heart and spade and sparkly gold shoulder pads. The poofy gold pants had a tuxedo stripe of sparkly black diamonds and his high heeled shoes had a very sharp spike.

As they made their way out of the dressing room door, Illumi grabbed Hisoka’s hand, “You ready?”

“My dearest Illumi,” the other purred, flipping a deck of cards in his other hand. “For you?  _ Always _ .”

They went their separate ways. Illumi off to the box where an unassuming Lady Léone was waiting, and Hisoka backstage, to wait for his que. He was a performer after all, and though Illumi would be missing from part of their act, the show must go on.

Illumi silently slipped into the private box on the left side of the audience, closing the door behind him. The duchess’ back was turned so she did not notice when Illumi swiftly plunged two needles into her bodyguards’ neck, using nen to turn him into one of his needle people. He then whispered a command in his ear and then slipped back out, waiting for a person with a tortoise to arrive.

On the stage, act after act went by, leaving the crowd even more enchanted as they went. The Ringmaster was delightfully personable and charismatic and led the show like a conductor in an orchestra, creating a swell of entertainment for the audience to soak up. Soon, it was time for the Trapeze and with great flourish, the ringmaster announced the act.

“And now, We have The Amazing Hisoka and Jeremy and their act Bungee Gum!”

A spotlight flicked on illuminating a glimmering Hisoka Morrow, perched lightly in the middle of the tightrope. His arms were raised, and he looked like a smug disco ball. He took two delicate steps before appearing to lose his balance and falling from the tightrope. The startled audience was soon relieved, as instead of splatting onto the hard floor below, he did three somersaults and landed lightly on his feet.

He sultrily walked over to the ringmaster, who obviously had no idea what was going on, but was just trying to pretend like this was just part of the show and snatched the long skinny mic from his hand.

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen.  _ I’m Hisoka Morrow _ .” He flashed the audience an award-winning smile, and several members of the audience found that they could get over his terrible fashion sense, as this man was really quite attractive. “I’m sure you are wondering what I am doing here, I’m sure you’ve all heard of me from Heaven’s Arena.” The audience didn’t and they hadn’t, but all the smitten members nodded their heads enthusiastically.

“Well, I am not here to do trapeze,” some of the trapeze enthusiasts in the audience booed, but Hisoka paid them no mind, “I am here to do something much more entertaining. I am here to challenge our dear ringmaster,” he gestured to the sweating and tight smiled man standing beside him, “to a fight.”

At this the ringmaster who had been trying to go with the flow and pretend that nothing was wrong for the audience had to protest. He made a grab for the microphone but missed. “Hisoka, what are you doing?” he yelled. “I knew about your history at Heaven’s Arena when I hired you, but I thought you had stopped all of that fighting for money nonsense when you decided to work in the circus again!”

He made another grab for the mic but missed again. “I heard about the tragedy of your entire circus troupe dying 12 years ago under mysterious circumstances, and I thought working here could give you a fresh start.”

Hisoka scoffed, “A fresh start, don’t make me laugh.  _ I made my own fresh start when I got rid of that god forsaken troupe, years ago. _ ”

The ringmaster tensed up and the audience became antsy, some even leaving their seats and trying to escape from the tent. Screams rang out, when it was discovered that the thick vinyl tent had been welded shut, and that their phone signals had been jammed, courtesy of Illumi, of course.

“Don’t worry, don’t worry, I am not planning to do that here though,” Hisoka shot a pointed look at the ringmaster, “not if you behave.”

“What do you want?” the ringmaster spat.

Hisoka just smiled. “I already told you, I just want to fight you.” His eyes glinted predatorily, “And now for the stakes…”

He looked backstage and clapped twice. The bodyguard of Lady Léone dragged her gagged and struggling onto the stage. Behind him followed a very green looking Bailey, the animal wrangler and husband to the ringmaster, and Illumi, dragging a sniveling man with a bag over his head behind him and holding a tortoise under one arm. The Bodyguard also carried a large silver briefcase, which was presumably filled with the 10 million dollars demanded in the ransom.

“Now that we are all here, lets begin.” Hisoka cackled loud and long over the screams of people trying to escape the tent. He was having a wonderful time.

“Let’s start simple. Who is our tortoise ransomer?” he nodded to Illumi and the assassin ripped the bag off of the head of the man. The Ringmaster and Bailey gasped loudly. It was…

“Claude-Filipe! How could you?” Bailey cried.

Illumi released the little man and he stood. Though he was on the verge of tears, he angrily shouted back.

“How could I! You Mean  _ Why Haven’t I Done It Earlier! _ ” he tugged at his hair. “I do so much work at this circus.  _ So Much Work! _ And I get paid pennies for it! You know I’m a trained chef, right? I took this job because I couldn’t get a gig cooking anywhere else, you know the economy and all that, but I didn’t expect that not only would I be cooking 3 meals a day for the entire cast, but that I would have to become a part of that cast, and the personal assistant to you  _ Theodore _ .” He sneered at the ringmaster. “So, yeah, when I was delivering Lady Léone her snacks during rehearsal Monday, I slipped little Charles there,” he gestured at the tortoise, “off of his leash and put him in my bag. And yeah, I charged a massive ransom for him. That way I could get out of this _ Fucking  _ Circus and get on with my life.”

“Isn’t he a feisty one folk,” Hisoka said, hitting Claude-Filipe over the back of the head and knocking him out. “We’ll hear more from him later, and now the main event.

“I want you two to fight me.” His slimy gaze landed on Theodore “the Headhunter” Schmidt, ringmaster of the Myriad Circus, and his husband Bailey Schmidt, animal wrangler and professional hunter (Illumi had looked him up). “If you win, and by that, I mean manage to kill me, then everyone here gets to go free and move on with your puny little lives. Oh, except for Léone there. I’m afraid my companion has his orders to kill her. I’m sure you understand.” He beamed at the duchess and she redoubled her efforts, struggling to get free. The bodyguard did not budge. Hisoka focused again on the couple in front of him, “If you lose, then you die, but, of course, if you refuse to fight then I kill everyone here.”

He grinned again. “That sounds fun, doesn’t it?”

“So, we don’t have a choice?” Theodore asked grimly.

“I guess not, no,” Hisoka pondered aloud. “But look at it this way, at least your precious circus can continue if you fight. I mean you’ll be dead but  _ ooooh… _ or maybe you’ll manage to kill me! That would be an interesting turn of events.” Hisoka clapped his hands like a kid in a candy store, “I’m like 90% percent sure I’d take one of you out with me, so that would suck, but I mean that’s probably the best-case scenario for you guys right now. And…”

“We’ll fight.” Bailey said, lifting his head and staring determinedly at Hisoka.

“Bailey! NO! You can’t! You know you are not as strong as me! You only study the animal! You can’t fight!  _ HE’LL KILL YOU _ !”

_ “AND WOULD IT BE BETTER TO LET EVERYTHING WE WORKED SO HARD FOR DIE _ !” Bailey’s voice cracked, “Would it be better to let your dream die…”

“Oh, that was heartbreaking,” Hisoka put a hand over his chest, “Really I was touched. But could we maybe get back to fighting now. I don’t have all night.” He tapped his foot. “Well, I guess technically I do, but staying up too late is bad for your skin, so let’s just get a move on. Are you fighting or not?”

“We are fighting.” 

Theodore looked hard at Bailey and placed a kiss on his forehead and spoke softly to him. “If we do not survive this, then I will find you in the next life.”

And then the fight began.

\-----

Claude-Filipe woke to a pounding headache. He was face down on the hard concrete at the back of the audience seating in the circus tent. Next to him, sitting with his knees pulled up under his chin was Illumi. He was staring down at the stage where Hisoka was twirling around the large cats trying to attack him and dodging the sharp nen frisbees that made up the ringmaster's nen ability. Claude-Filipe slowly sat up. On the other side of Illumi, lay the dead bodies of the duchess and her bodyguard, but at this point Claude-Filipe was too out of it to be scared.

He sat next to Illumi for a few moments watching the fight on the stage in front of them. Hisoka threw a card at the ringmaster, but his nen frisbees made a shield in front of him and deflected it. What Theodore did not notice was the card sailing just a little bit to hit right, and by then the nen disks were too slow to block…

“BAILEY!” the heart wrenching scream rang through all corners of the tent, but nothing could save the man now.

Claude-Filipe looked away.

“You can take the money if you want to.”

“What?” He turned to Illumi whose eyes had not left the carnage below.

“The money,” the large briefcase containing the 10 million was sitting by his foot. “You can have it.”

“Don’t you want it.” Claude-Filipe was confused, but Illumi just scoffed.

“I got paid far more than you’ll ever see on this job, even with this money. Take it.”

“Doesn’t he want it?” he bobbed his head in the direction of Hisoka.

“You think he does this for money?”

They sat silently listening to the screams of the audience trying desperately to escape and Hisoka’s raucous laughter.

Finally, Claude-Filipe spoke again. “But aren’t you supposed to kill me?”

“Kill you? Why?”

“I kidnapped a tortoise. I ransomed it off. I’m a thief.”

“And I’m an assassin, and he is a killer. Take it.” He nudged the briefcase with his foot. “And take him too.”

Behind the case, was the perfectly healthy tortoise. It seemed he got to live as well.

Claude-Filipe picked up both, and turned, ready to join the mob of audience people trying to escape but then paused.

Illumi's eyes had never wavered from sight of Hisoka before them.

“You really love him, don’t you?”

The assassin didn’t respond, but he didn’t need to. Cause what other reason would there be to do all of this for someone?

\-----

Their eyes met from opposite sides of the tightrope.

They really should be going, as Illumi had just opened the flaps of the tent and the flooding out audience would soon alert the authorities, but instead they stared at each other.

“How was your fight?”

“ _Simply delightful_ , especially after that Bailey died. The ringmaster was too focused on protecting him when he was alive. And the duchess?”

“She’s dead.”

“Well then it seems that we have accomplished all we came here to do.”

Illumi didn’t respond.

“~ _ Oh wait, there is one thing _ ~”

“And that is?” Illumi was fairly certain he remembered everything.

“Well, you broke a rule, the no punching rule to be exact.” Hisoka pouted. “I think that as penance, I get to break a rule too.”

“Fine,” Illumi closed his eyes and tensed, waiting for the inevitable blow, but instead he felt a soft pressure on his lips. His eyes flickered open, and Hisoka was staring back at him, their lips touching.

Hisoka pulled back. “Oh, deary me, I seem to have broken rule number 1: no kissing.” His eyes flashed. “What are you going to do about it?”

Illumi smirked, and the two escaped from the circus tent and into the night.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was fun, wasn't it. Believe me, I too was very broken up when Bailey died, i was quite emotionally attached to him. Hopefully this wasn't too weird. I almost forget sometimes that Hisoka and Illumi are what we like to call: bad people. But they are and this fic reminded me. Still I hope you liked it.
> 
> Don't forget to comment under the next chapter page, who wrote your favorite of these 3 works!


	4. Voting Time

Hi!

Thank you so much for reading all of our One-Shots!

Who wrote what:

Coffe Yum was written by I_Suck-Off_Your_Grandpa (My friend)

We are on the case (if you know what I mean) was written by I_Topped_Your_Dad (My Sister)

and

The Mystery of the Tortoise in the Circus Tent was written by I_Fucked_Your_Mom (Me)

Did we surprise you?

The Rules-

Must have snappy title

Must use predetermined trope

Wordcount: 1,500-12,000 words

Winner will be determined on Christmas by the comments section vote

Winner will also write a short epilogue for their story (after they are declared the winner, of course)

The Tropes-

I_Suck-Off_Your_Grandpa Coffee Shop au

I_Topped_Your_Dad: Lawyers au

I_Fucked_Your_Mom: Fake dating au

The WordCount-

Coffee Yum ~ 6,000

We are on the case (if you know what I mean) ~ 4,000

The Mystery of the Tortoise in the Circus Tent ~ 11,500 

The Stakes-

Victory

Glory

The winner gets a handmade craft from the other participants

If we reach 30 kudos by christmas then its an automatic win for all (but not like a real win, just a sub win and we will still have the winner winner)

Please use these criteria to aid you in the voting. Thanks again for reading! I hope you enjoyed it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and please dont forget to leave a comment of which is your favorite one-shot!


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